Life: The Mobius Strip

Oh, boy. I've done it again.  I took a nosedive and am now in the zone of no return.  I have reached the point of being dangerously consumed and backtracking seems impossible.  This paintbrush that I have picked up is none other than...drama.

WAW.

I am speechless. Five months ago, my friends and I, still freshies in the world of Literature, heard about the annual HELP A-Level drama production. We joked how we had never tried our hand in acting, how our thespian endeavours seemed pretty bleak, and how high their standards seemed to be.  But somehow we garnered enough courage to get our butts to the auditions and personally, that was one of the best decisions I've made.

The next thing you know, drama practice filled my Friday evenings - some of them dreaded with the mock exams looming at the back of my mind, some sheer enjoyment laughing at the messed up plot of the play, and other days when it was serious business of perfecting our characters inside out.  A vocal trainer came in once that ended up with us doing bunny positions and massaging each other's backs.  Two cast members had birthdays on the same day and we surprised them with a birthday cake!  It's funny when you get to the point that you want to skip practice for homework or just plain laziness but then, you look at where you're at now - done with the show and wishing for those moments to come back even if it was just exchanging lines in an empty lecture hall with familiar faces.

What started out with just three people became such an amazing picture of the cast! Awww shucks XD

Nico! Also another Lit student and my cast mate in the same play. Enjoyed the company during those long waiting hours and chilling sessions before the show. <3 you!

Love you Callie! My History, Math and Lit classmate who can effortlessly make such a cute character :)

Isabelle - the only person taking the same subject combo as me! Headed the wardrobe department and I salute her dearly for carrying that heavy heavy workload.

With some tears from the pressure on the part of the production crew, we held on to each other forcing ourselves to keep on looking ahead.  The last week.  HECTIC - enough said.

In no way were we prepared for what was in store for us when we 'bumped in'. It was some experience to literally be stuck in the auditorium from 9am to 10pm from Monday to Friday. It amazed me to see the dedication all of us had for this. Our love for the stage. Our hopes of not letting our hard work go down the drain. When I say we weren't prepared, I meant it - sore throats, fever, and flus attacked the flock at the start of the week, cast members had mock EXAMS and rehearsals on the same day, one of my friend's car got banged and she actually had to MISS her mocks, one actor had to quit altogether in the last week due to tonsilitis and his understudy had 24 hours to showtime to MEMORISE the whole play, half the props were MIA during full dress rehearsals, our sound and lighting had two days to perfect the entirety of FIVE plays, and to top it off, we had the thought of pleasing a full house crowd three days straight. No pressure, right?

Warming up in the auditorium. GOSH this reminds me of the heebie-jeebies we had before the show. Dreaded and loved it at the same time - is that even possible?!

You'd think that after the first show, things would get easier. But the cast and crew were in for a surprise the next day when we learnt that we were running over the estimated 2 hours and some people (who were financing us) were not quite happy (as in threatening to STOP the production ENTIRELY) with the slight profanity used in the play. It was saddening to see how narrow-minded people sometimes seemed.  Our intentions were to depict the true essence of life and what it entails - not sugar coating the play with what wasn't reality.  Nonetheless, in 6 hours to showtime, we had to CUT probably 30 minutes worth of scenes in the midst of a cast and crew that just suffered a pretty big blow - energy level was an ultimate low. It didn't matter if our individual character's lines were affected but having envisioned something to be the way you've created it for five months, an abrupt change in rhythm on the day of performance was no help. Road bumps aside, I learnt so much about compromise and reaching an agreement when you don't exactly agree. I shall remember what Ms C, our head Lit lecturer said,

"There will always be fights.  But we have to LEARN to choose the fights WORTH FIGHTING FOR. Guys, I'm telling you now: we let them win THIS battle BUT we fight to WIN THE WAR."

(: I don't know if it makes any sense. But whoever who's been through the whole endeavour, would've definitely gotten what was said.

Alterations were done and what d'ya know? It turned out pretty darn AWESOME in the end. :) The fact that we pushed through TOGETHER despite the obstacles and amidst low spirits shows how much a family we had become.

And I am truly proud to be part of that family.

Getting people addicted to 'Sayang Kinabalu' and knowing more about Sabah even if it started out by talking about the rainforest (we're getting there) has also been what I pride myself with. The chants and before-the-show rituals will forever make me laugh. I will miss warming up with you guys :) If it is what it is, maybe this won't be the last time *wink*

Thank you Lord for letting me stumble upon this pebble I now know to be theatre and encouraging me to turn it over when I almost stepped over it.

I will remember this (': Much love.

Here's to drama being something more than just being in the spotlight, fancy costumes, and pretty make up. Here's to the discovery of the immense blood, tears, sweat, time, and love this wonderful hobby brings.

Loving it (: *empowered*

Of Birthdays and Too Much Thinking

Cinema guy: What movie?

Me: The Thing.

Cinema guy: *clicks* Are you 18?

Me: Uh oh. *panics* Umm. *looks at friend and thinks* Wait...*epic realisation* Yea, I am 18.

Cinema guy: *gives are-you-sure look*

Me: *goes into ecstatic mode* Hahaha. YEAH, I'm EIGHTEEN!! Woots! *smiles as wide as I can*

Cinema guy: O......kay.

Haha. Last Friday, I went to watch this semi-horror movie called The Thing (which wasn't really horror actually) and apparently it was rated 18 probably because of the blood and goriness of it. And the conversation above was my first 'duh' moment when I realised that I actually have turned 18! I know it's very ordinary for youngsters to go for 18 movies (tsk.tsk), but I guess there's just this satisfying feeling inside me that is somewhat proud of myself. 18 sounds so...old and mature. Ah, well. It's not too bad. Turning 20 - now THAT would be unbelievable.

It was my first birthday in KL and it was GREAT! Parents flew over to celebrate so I don't think I could have had it any better! I've thought about the idea of celebrating birthdays with friends or college mates and I have nothing against it but for me, I feel happiest with family, really! And I guess when us teens get older, sometimes we start to stray away from family and hang out with friends more or what others might call 'having a social life'. Peer influence can be pretty strong these days but I think it's still up to the individual however he or she wants to live her life. Cheh. :)

Time flew by SO fast. Ice cream cake from Baskin and Robbins was sooo good and karaoke at Red Box was fun - made me realise how much songs have been out since I last really karaoke-ed. We also went on a food spree which was just the BEST but basically the accumulation of everything we did made my weekend :D. Thank you mommy and papa for a birthday filled with love and joy! I feel like the luckiest daughter on earth. It couldn't have been more perfect and I hope you had as much fun as I did :)

Discovered the awesome and famous Chinese food at Lot 10!

Forever grateful for all the well wishes from friends and family too! Receiving a call from my kakak back home wishing me happy birthday touched me beyond belief :') - it made my day and gave me that humbled feeling. She has the same birthday as me so SELAMAT HARI JADI KAKAK! I love you :*

Oh yes, another thing that was different this year was how long I've been away from my normal environment. Aside from the obvious differences, I realised a subtle contrast between being an only child and not I guess. I used to get quite mad at people who'd just jump to conclusions when you say you're an only child - they'll either have that hidden scrutiny in their eyes or just outwright say, "Oooooooohhhhh, no wonder la." And my mind'll start wondering: No wonder what? We just met. Does being an only child make THAT much of a difference until you act like you know EVERYTHING about me?

Haha. Woopsy, a slight rant there. But as the encounters increased, I learnt to give people a break - stereotypes and generalisations are inevitable and there is some truth behind it sometimes. I take a step back and I see society only focusing on the negative side of things. Yes, in a way, maybe we do get more attention and more attached to parents but if we learn to not throw tantrums and act mature just like any other child, I don't see anything too wrong in having a closer relationship with our folks. Yes, some of us can be spoilt brats but some of us can also NOT be. I know how too much pampering can be very bad and I don't deny the fact that it is indeed present in some families. But. Not. All.

I think living with siblings is a beautiful thing and people should be thankful for having brothers and sisters who will always be there for you coz it's in their blood! (: I think that being an only child is also a beautiful thing - instead of fearing the labels of mommy and daddy's child, EMBRACE it. Having been gone for pretty long, the stark clarity in my folks' endless love overwhelms and I think it is a blessing we shouldn't be ashamed of.

On a side note, say hello to my baby brother WYATT all the way in Montana!!! He decided to see the world on the 15th of October 2011 and is now being loved by a wonderful wonderful family. I got this picture along with a birthday email my grandparents sent me so I was just bursting with joy! Adowable!

I'm a proud sista! :D

Not forgetting a shout out to my sister Suzanah whose birthday was on the 12th! She is officially a teenager at 13 and as my host mom would say, they'll be A LOT of things happening in the house these coming years. Oh yes there will be. Stay your cheerful self Suzanah! Loves!

Having said all that, I guess the only thing left to say is : Hi, I have three people in my family and I am an only child. I have a host family of six people in Montana whom I love dearly just like true family. Haha. Yes, my parents do love me very dearly... Just like YOUR parents. Don't worry, I don't get too lonely, I think hanging out with my parents is pretty cool actually. After all, they did raise us since birth, don't you think? No, I wouldn't think I'd wish for a brother or a sister. I think it's an amazing thing but then again, maybe the Big Guy wanted this for a reason. Perhaps he wanted this to be my driving force to prove people wrong and work all the much harder to show society who I truly am even if everyone else has an upper hand.

You'll never know.

It just might be working *wink*

Selamat Hari Jadi Bev!

OCTOBER has arrived! And I can't believe this year is coming to an end.  Honestly, my mind has been nagging me to blog for the past few weeks but I never gave in until...today.  It's funny because I'd get these weird split-second moments when I'm minutes to falling asleep or randomly studying a poem about death during Literature class that this certain urge to write comes out of nowhere and then *snaps finger* it's gone. Hm.  Where do I start? Let's take it post by post.

First,

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY BEVERLY RACHEL MATUJAL!!!

I will forever find it ironic that your birthday falls a day before mine.  And to think we've been together since...Primary 1 but only got close AFTER 10 years? How is that even possible?!  You tell me. (: This is when the Big Guy steps in I guess. *wink*

*walks down memory lane* Well, even though you've told me that your perception of me during primary school may have been some distant figure (which I still don't get sometimes. Haha), I, on the other hand, actually remember you as the classmate in 3 Rose that was brave enough to state her ambition as wanting to be a songwriter, your grandpa waiting for you after school in his jeep, and your seemingly shy disposition which we all know now to be far from the truth. JOKES. :D

Bev: Funny kan my joke.
Me: Haha. Yea, very funny.

Sometimes, our relationship seems to be a funny one. I don't know how throughout those first few high school years, you came up with the nickname 'Loonie' for me which somehow miraculously stuck till today.  I remember despising it for the mere reason that...well, who in their right mind would want to be known as Loonie? BUT, as time progressed, I kind of took it as a compliment and due to the stars aligning (which happens once in a blue moon) and there was sign of the coming apocalypse, 

we became best friends. JOKES (about the stars aligning la). Haha.

What I mean to say is, Bev, I think you are the best person I know to exercise sarcasm with. Haha.  Knowing you has definitely loosened me up and made me go on non stop laughing sprees.  Perhaps you can tell by the way I write when I'm addressing it to you too! The way we crack each other up is very subtle and we use very... 'sharp' words if you know what I mean.  Trust me, this is special because if I were to do this with anyone else, they'd think I'm insane or just plain rude (Yes, I've tried it before. Bad experience). SO, thank you Bev for the wonderful wonderful conversations filled with sarcasm and mockery and all those aspects that don't constitute your conventional definition of friendship. :D I love you coz we are one and the same!!!

*sings*
It may seem cliche for me to wanna say
That you're not alone
You may call me uncool but it's a simple fact
I got your back!

Singing 'Send It On' during Convo!

Wish we could have sung more together! I'm not gonna go on and on about how musically talented you are, because I know you know :) I'm just going to say that you're ability to listen to a tune and instantly know it and you're raw gift on the piano AND guitar continue to astound me. But that's all you're getting :) You do an AMAZING job putting up with people around you who might not be as good as you too *ahem* me *ahem*

Choir moments were interesting - we got to know to know each other way more.  There have been pretty low moments throughout our friendship and saya susun sepuluh jari if I have caused you any pain OR affected other people close to you.  All I know is, that you are one positive and easy-going person so please stay the same Bev! I'll be there for you :)

Look how good we look pretending to study! :P

 Thanks for being there for me through it all ;)

Amber and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Kan Amber? :)

Hugs and Kisses all the way from KL!

This is For You, Amber

SO, college life has been picking up momentum and I can say that currently, my plate is pretty full. However, due to the urgency of the matter, I decided to call it a night after drama practice, reading about why Singapore left Malaysia, and doing Trigs for an hour BECAUSE there is something MORE important for me to announce. And that is...

*drumroll please*

HAPPY EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY 
AMBERLICIA ANTHONY THANE!

Let me put this simply - knowing you has been just AMAZING. I don't care if this sounds hard to believe but thank you for turning my life around when you stepped into it three years ago. Sometimes, it's funny how you can know a person for SO long and only truly get to know her after 8 years. The circumstances in which we met amuses me a lot. From just reading the newspapers together and a mere exchange of smiles in Form 3, to sitting together in Form 4, and to be HOLDING EACH OTHER'S HAND during the whole of Form 5 without expecting what life would throw at us. Honestly, Amber, even though you continue to disagree with me on this, I still think that you have handled everything that's happened with probably more grace than I could muster myself - I could never imagine myself in your situation. You constantly thank me for being by your side but I THINK you need to give more credit to yourself for being possibly the strongest person I know.

Three years ago, I was a teenage girl wondering why bad things happened to good people.  I told God that if he wanted to send me a guardian angel, He'd better be FAST. Coz I didn't have much time.

Who knew that in the whole scheme of things, he would send me two (:

I found it pretty surreal when we flew all the way to KL for the Clean and Clear gig. It wasn't about winning though. Looking back on all these moments spent together, I realised how hard it would be to go on such an adventure like that now. Thus, I feel so grateful with the unending laughter we had when visiting the fish spa and riding the roller coaster in Sunway Lagoon! Haha.

And then the end of our high school years - no one could believe graduation was here! I had a blast singing with you guys and I didn't think any other bunch of singing mates would have made me happier.

SO, as you can see. I have many things to say. But, in essence, this should sum it up. Amber, I wrote this not for public display or whatever reasons people blog for these days. I wrote this because I wish to celebrate the birthday of someone very special in my life.

If I were to thank you every day of my life, I would still not be able to compensate for what our friendship has done for me.

I write this with as much sincerity from the bottom of my heart

because you are worth it.

I love you. Know that I am here for you. Always.

New? Perhaps :)

Well, I am here.  Here I am.

Back on Malaysian ground and feeling rather hesitant on blogging because of...my endless misconstrued line of thoughts.  The thing about not talking about things when it just happened is the difficulty of recalling them after two months.  

Integrating back into Malaysian culture has been smoother than I expected! I have now realised that I have different accents when speaking with different people.  It's not that I'm trying to be fake, it's just that I have this tendency to ensure that when I'm conversing with someone, that someone doesn't feel out of place at all - causing me to involuntarily speak accordingly. :P Make sense? I guess not.  In short, I greet my friends at home with my beloved Sabahan colloquialism, I skype with my American family in plain English (I suppose the occasional slip of the tongue finds me saying 'water', 'certain' and 'mountain' differently), I chat with my Chinese-speaking college friends with a Chinese slang, and somewhere along those lines, some Indian-accented words somehow slip into my vocabulary due to my awesome Indian peers.  And all of this I just LOVE. I just love the diversity of it. (;

I had probably two weeks of 'sakai'-ness watching these weird machines eat up my LRT ticket and running through them so they wouldn't close on me, being greeted by the amazing Malaysian customer service, firstly getting shoved then squashed into a KTM for the LADIES coach, and just having that thought in my head that I'm finally HOME. :)

It really does open your eyes (at least mine) to things you never thought of.  If my year could have a theme, 2011 would definitely be a year of appreciation and gratitude.  Life in a different country and then subsequently in college has one similarity that has been shouting at me this whole time - being away from family and home.  It's funny, really.  Because when you talk about going to college, people mention more freedom, the ability to socialise more, heavier workload, and independence.  But what really struck me deep wasn't all that.  The thing that made me question myself was whether anyone else who had went to college experienced this mentality that all this while, we've been taking our lives for granted.  At home, all I worried about was getting my homework done but I didn't realise how fortunate I was to be able to go downstairs and have lunch prepared without the thought of whether it exceeded my daily budget.  At home, forgetting to turn off the water heater is nothing but living on your own, unless you don't mind your electricity bill sky rocketing, here's a tip: DON'T forget. 

I guess what I mean to say is that I know I am not of a severely poor family background and yet still coming from one that has to watch what comes out of our pockets.  For that, I can truly say at this point of time, I am grateful.  I am blessed.  And I think it's a very important thing to be aware of - don't take things for granted even if you have 'em.  And family time now is just SO MUCH more valued even though I've always loved it. Now, I'd pounce at every chance to have breakfast with family as to the previous times when I'd pass for more time to study. I'd try to squeeze in some time for a movie with papa or just a day at home with mommy despite a tempting invitation for a movie with friends.  In this adolescent age, I guess I wouldn't find many who'd understand where I'm coming from.  But I don't know exactly what it is, I just feel the importance of family severely outweighing everything else even more than before.  So, I guess you could say it is a new inclination of mine. Mama's girl or Papa's girl - call me whatever you want but I'm lovin' it.

Reconnecting with friends has always been a joy.  Meeting up with my besties reminded me of high school and good ole' Amber and Bev times.  Forever in my heart and you guys know it!  We were talking about how grown up we felt, how awkward it was not having the same routine we lived by for 17 years of our life, and of course, going our separate ways. *sigh*

Apa tinguk tinguk? :P

I wish you the BEST in life from the BOTTOM of my heart.  Really.

Love ya guys!

Awww

Alright, moving on to college talk.  I feel I've been repeating myself a lot but oh well.  I am taking Edexcel A-Levels at HELP University in Kuala Lumpur.  These are my subject combinations: Biology, English Literature, History, and Mathematics. I have never failed to acquire a puzzled look from many.  So, don't be shy, show me that frown :) 

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: Why suddenly got Biology a?...Not need to take Chemistry also meh?

Well, I chose Bio because of my love for the subject! I am currently inclined to study Psychology (which may change) and so I thought it relevant to take it.  Just like everyone else who has their 'thang', I think my memory can be said to be a plus point for Bio too and I thought why not make use of the talents God gave me.

Ultimately, the Asian mentality that students who take Biology, Physics and Chemistry are the only people worth considering intelligent and making the 'right' choice continue to frustrate me to no end.  However, I do have to force myself to step back and understand that I too can see where they are coming from.  The arts haven't been fully explored in Asia nor encouraged, but it doesn't mean that it is 'bad'.  I treat this as my personal goal to change this stigma in the future. Yes, art students can be just as smart as science students. (Woops, just a small rant there).

You see things; and you say, 'Why?' But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?"

- George Barnard Shaw

Q: Hah? I couldn't even stand SPM Sejarah and now you're taking History?!

Haha. Well, the idea of regurgitating the SPM Sejarah textbook has never been very appealling to me even. The format for A Levels is different and requires a lot of understanding rather than mere memory. But as I said, I am humbled by my knack of remembering information and MORE importantly, my passion for history and people.  Culture, places, and events have always intrigued but not being able to explore it to the fullest has made my thirst for learning History even stronger.  US History was a delight and now I am very excited to tackle European History! It's like I'm looking at the WHOLE WORLD!

Q: Literature last year only one person got A, you know. You sure you want to take the risk? I heard very hard.

Firstly, nothing is not hard.  Secondly, what's life without taking the risk.  I am aware that Lit is a hard A to crack and it continues to be one of my qualms as probably every minute detail given my habit of worrying about everything under the sun. BUT it shall not deter from doing my best because for where my treasure is, there my heart will be also.  I believe that as long as I have the LOVE and PASSION for something, I will be able to give my all to it and just reap whatever I have sowed because you can't give any more than your best, really.  Writing has and always will be something dear to me.

On a side note, even though I will ALWAYS be striving for the BEST I am capable of achieving, personally, I believe that getting an A isn't THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES MY WORLD SPIN.  It's like Miley Cyrus' song 'The Climb":

Ain't about how fast I get there

Ain't about what's waiting on the other side

It's THE CLIMB

It's not what's at the end, it's what you get throughout the journey that matters most.

*sensing a heightened sense of ecstasy coming your way*

Apart from that, my college life has been pretty spiced up especially with my exchange student friends who most fortunately seem to live around the KL area.  A month ago, we gave back to the community by sharing our experiences to students at an English Language Centre and I also got to bunk at my friend's house in Malacca which was just beautiful! - Chicken rice balls, HEAVENLY cendol, Jonker Street, St Paul's Hill, I can go on forever.

My friend Thessa and her mom were so kind for letting me stay for the weekend - amazing people!

I decided to join the United Nations Club and I'm under the UNESCO division in which I see some pretty exciting things coming up - Halloween carnival and building a house! Going to try help out with the HELP Residence Student Affairs club to make life at the residence more interesting.  Another one of those random discoveries, my whole Lit class decided to audition for the annual A-Levels annual drama production and surprisingly, I got the part I auditioned for!  It's so exciting to see the amount of lines I have and yet it terrifies me to death but I guess we'll just have to see how this plays out (:

Hari Raya Party at the Residence!

Catchin' a movie Friday after college

The people I meet in college continue to amaze me - so talented and friendly! :)

Undoubtedly, there are many more things going on in my life what with a Biology test coming up, the awesome MOVIE DAYS I look forward to on Sundays after church and the occasional splurge on ICE CREAM as well, I think it's safe to say that I am very much contented and happy as I can possibly be.  Word.

Till then!

One thing I've gained: An increased LOVE for ice cream! No idea why! :)

Embracing life as it comes,

Me (: