A lot has happened.

A lot has happened. 

And you realise a whole lot MORE has happened when you look at your life in retrospect, in which part of it is narrated in a series of blog posts.  I started this post not knowing how to begin and not knowing how to end mainly due to the fact that I have so much to say and I have no idea how to say it.

2013. These past few months have been filled with me trying to rediscover my voice, what I believed in and who I was.  And not being afraid to show that to the world. Even if it meant being vulnerable.

2013 has also been a year of important decisions in my life.  I believe that my perspective on so many things especially what my goals are in life have evolved.  I admit that I have dived into many things, fallen in love with some, learnt the hard way in others, found myself slipping away from God now and again and just struggling to find that balance on the tight rope I was walking on.

2013 is the year that I realise, after reflecting on all these harrowing and beautiful experiences in the past two years after high school, that there is no such thing as never losing balance; that it is okay to fall.  What matters is that you keep on getting back up, keep on having that sheer courage to keep on giving your whole heart in what you are doing and have faith in the Man upstairs that everything's going to be alright.  It is so difficult to live this out, let me tell you, but it is a work in progress and I have faith that things will fall into place in time. (:

I also learnt more about myself - my strengths and my weaknesses.  I believe it was a puzzle that I did not complete until very recently.  A few weeks ago, I made a long hard-thought decision to drop a subject - History.  It takes great pain for me to even write about this but I feel that it must be done.  Writing has always been the means I felt best at expressing my feelings which came so naturally to me as opposed to talking.  What I set out to achieve when I first took up the subject was to learn, to grow not only from the textbook but from my peers.  And having endured 3 crazy semesters of cross-eyed reading, tireless presentations and close-to-death exams, I can tell you that what I have learned from my History classmates and the engaging discussions in the classroom have been priceless.  It has been one of the most enriching experiences I have ever had in my 19 years of academic life and I would never change that.  I had achieved what I set out for and at that point, I felt that I was no longer doing it because I loved it but because I was trying to get this grade and finish that assignment.  What it came down to was between me pushing myself beyond what was mentally and physically healthy for me and my happiness.  It came to a point when I was just drained, tired and not fully recovered from the stress and pressure that had fallen upon me from the last semester.  It came to the point that I was no longer pushing myself because I knew I could give more but I was pushing myself because I was afraid of letting people down, of letting myself down and of failure.  Long story short, I was given a choice.  And this was what I chose: 

To have the courage to say no.  The courage to face the truth and choose my happiness over losing myself to the world and its judgement.  The courage and wisdom to see that when you lose your balance on the tight rope, you get back up and keep on going.  And I truly believe that I have never stopped doing that. 

2013 is also the year I decide which direction I want the next four years of my life to take.  It basically came down to Hampshire College in the US, University of British Columbia in Canada, Durham University in England or University of Edinburgh in Scotland.  All of them beautiful places and I thank the Lord every day for His grace in allowing me all of this.  With this, however, challenged my principles yet again.  It made me think of the name of the university, the job prospects afterwards, people's reactions to my choice and the list continues.  I think, secretly, I knew what I wanted. My heart knew.  But I guess it was my fear that sent me into many long nights of thinking.  Perhaps to some the list seems so clear cut - "Just pick the most prestigious/famous university lah! Why so hard want to think?"  Yes, I understand that a more acclaimed university to the local community would help me get a job, it would look good in my CV, it would carry oohs and aahs as I tell people where I was going.

But

there was something about that whole idea that bugged me. All this while I have always believed in standing up for true education, in challenging what the majority says is "right", getting arts and science equally weighted, actually giving my heart back to society and stalwartly believing that a letter grade on a sheet of paper does not define who you are as a person.  Reflecting on all that I have been through made it even clearer to me that this is who I am and this is what I stood for.  And I felt there was a college that embodied this.

When I asked myself what I wanted for the next stage of my life, I found myself wanting to take the road less travelled by (again); to seek learning beyond the classroom over studying for exams, to do things out of love instead of obligation, to fully explore how far my love for art can take me and to surround myself with people who shared this belief.  It reminded me of the first post I did upon completion of high school and I believe my dream has not changed.  My perspectives may have shifted and my self coarsened but my vision remains: To be able to look back on my life and truly say that I have lived it to the fullest; I have made the most of what was laid before me because I had the courage to stand up for what I believed in. 

To be able to look back and proudly say, I did not regret a thing.

There are times I believe our dreams clash with the practicality of life being more than just "what makes you happy."  But I thank the Big Guy for making things somehow fall into place.  I can still reasonably say that my dreams and the reality of the world can still find some balance.  I was blessed enough to get a scholarship from the college itself which would be of immense help.  Still figuring out the entire financial issue but I have faith that my family can pull through this, somehow, some way.

*exhale* Wow, here I am scrolling up and wondering how in the world all of these words came out.  It definitely does not cover everything in my head but I think I'm happy with it.  I have yet another decision among many more to come that I am genuinely happy and extremely ecstatic about.  And I have said what I wanted to say, the entirety of which are my own thoughts.

I still do have a lot to tell about this coming college experience but I think I shall leave that for another day.  I shall leave you with the video that first intrigued, enticed and inspired me about this place:

Hampshire College. (:

I don't know what tomorrow holds nor do I know exactly what will happen from here.  But what I do know is that I am not alone.  The worries playing in my head are plenty but having faith that things will turn out according to His will is the best I can do.  It is enough for me. Till then.

Your curious traveller,

Andrea (:

Secret Weapon

It's been two years since high school and I feel that so much has happened.  So much has changed.  I have grown so much as with the people around me.  Sometimes, when I think about what I have done with the 19 years I have been given and the astounding lessons the people have graced me with just by their presence, I feel unworthy.  Sometimes, I ask the big guy what did I do to be able to receive and give so much love.  Here's to YOU for believing in me when I didn't even believe in myself.  Now, it's my turn to return the favour.

I learnt that it's not a matter of what you've done, where you've gone or what has happened to you but it is how you choose to perceive and act upon the circumstances-blessing or curse-that are thrust upon you. Because at the end of the day, it is ultimately up to you to decide if TODAY is going to be the best or worst day of your life.

There were definitely days I did not feel this positive.  Especially last semester (because I definitely felt like dying-no exaggeration needed).  But, I don't know, I guess, I feel like things may just be looking up especially if I choose to see it that way.  University offers are rolling in and I am officially the most nerve-stricken and anxious student in the world.  That is how scared out of my pants I am to know how this new semester will turn out.  It does not help if you have a heightened fear of letting people down.  Two heavy course works in a short term has me debating if my life would be more of the Survivor reality show or will I just be spared and anticipate a hole in my bedroom wall (no, not because I punched it but because I dug the concrete with my bare hands-I'm still trying to figure out if I meant it as a joke).

Ah, anticipated scary emotions aside, I can't believe I'm saying this but I. Am. Excited! ...Crazy, right?

*cue narrative voice*

So, let us see how long this crazy human being can handle pushing herself way out of her comfort zone, realise she has fallen off the cliff but climb back up because 

1. there is something wrong with her head 

2. she can't live without the adrenaline no matter how vigorously the danger signs blink her way, and

3. she doesn't seem to think 1 and 2 are bad things

Don't tell anyone, but I think she has a secret weapon.

And that secret weapon is

God.

(Still) Figuring Things Out: Part 2

That is also why in my latest endeavour of university applications, I have made some decisions I didn't think my 17-year-old self would have made.  I am still a bit hesitant on what I have grown to truly believe in but it is something about following my heart on this and keeping the faith in the man upstairs that has me taking a leap of faith on how I want to live the next chapter of my life with what I have and love at where I am at.  Whether it is something He wills for me, for lack of better words, only God knows.

I have always looked up to prestigious institutions like Harvard and Cambridge.  I remember being in high school and secretly marking them as my dream schools.  It is ironic how I am writing this as my 19-year-old self and I have decided not to apply to either of them.  Don't get me wrong, I think they are marvellous educational institutions and have years of prowess to account for the quality of their academics.  But whether their entire educational experiences are the definitions of what I want the next four years of my life to be is what I have been battling with in my mind.  And then I started questioning myself: If the name of universities and their perceived idolisation in society were stripped away, would I still want to go there?  Are my decisions just based on rankings, fame and what people will think of me?  How can we define what makes a university better than another just by referring to a "list" when half the things that make up a college experience comes from incalculable and intangible things like people you meet, the values of the students you work with, the environment you want to live in, the conversations you have with professors, how interested and concerned they are towards you as a person rather than a number, the liberty to grow outside of the classroom and ultimately, what you yourself take from whatever life throws at you?

Honestly, I felt that given my upbringing, I was ready for a change.  I guess my experiences have shifted the importance I put on things-magnifying my dislike on certain habits of society and being more tolerant towards others.  But it was the cut throat kiasu-ism to be better than everyone else even if it jeopardised their integrity and honesty prevalent in high school that has been getting to me.  I learnt a lot about how status and prestige , in general, can go a long way to distorting the gist of what matters.  I fell in love with the stories of the fascinating people I've met in the most unsuspecting places, the intimate setting of a classroom I had at HELP and the overriding importance of integrity and who you are as a person preceding the grade on your report card.  So, with all of these lessons in hand, I felt that I really wanted to do justice to the other facets of my life that have not been given as much attention to.  I relished what I have learned in the classroom and look forward to learning so much more and gaining even more knowledge about the subjects that interest me.  Nonetheless, I find myself presently aversed to extremely competitive environments which are translated in several top universities.  I think it is understandable that they are occupied by very ambitious students who have very specific goals and determined characters to get to where they want to be and I respect and look up to them.  In fact, I have had some experience with these people throughout my life and I am grateful because they have taught me many things.  But this is also why I am thirsting for change.  Healthy competition is essential but anything more than that seems unnecessary at the moment.  It saddens me that very few people still fail to understand this.  I feel like I'm ready to meet different kinds of people and be more exposed to peers with varying mindsets, share stories with people, agree, disagree and learn from them.  I tried to consider that when choosing the colleges that I thought suited my aspirations.

You know that feeling when you've spent so much time in one place and you just feel like you want a change in scenery?  It's not that you particularly hate the place you're at, in fact, you love it but it's just that desire for change.  And I've always liked the idea of breaking down walls and exploring new territory-stepping outside of my comfort zone even if I'm scared to my wit's end.  Because that is the only way you will truly learn and live to the fullest, in my opinion.  I know I've said I've changed in terms of mentality in some ways but I think deep down, the core principle I have lived by has never changed.  I remember writing in my first post that I did all the things I did because I didn't want to look back on it and say "I wish I could have done that."  It is a conscious decision which I personally wish to make because, as I said two years ago when I first started blogging, I can't see any other way to do justice to my life and to what I love to do if I didn't make these decisions.

Maybe some may think of this subject as a trivial thing that I am blowing out of proportion but to me, it is not.  These are just rantings of my heart and mind because this is just how important it is to me.  I guess education has just been something dear to me. My passion.  Writing about it just allows me to unscrew the lid to the bottle of thoughts that have been swirling in my head-sleepless nights and thinking days worth having.

I know it's a pretty hard decision and I think people can't fully understand all of it unless they are in my shoes.  I meet people who, understandably at times, instantly associate me with certain predispositions, their foreheads wrinkle wondering why I name certain less-known or smaller schools I'm applying to and I find it hard for me to explain to them why I have made every decision I've made.  Sometimes, what I find makes me happy can't be fully tangibly expressed.  Coupled with all of this are the insecurities and fear of rejection by people, let alone, universities which serves as a story for another day.

I guess what I'm saying is that I realise that I have a long way to go.  A long way of more mistakes to make and I am still learning from the challenges I have encountered including the ones I am still trying to figure out how to face but it is all in good spirit. :)  Days when I am down are inevitable but as my conscience tells me: just keep on going, have a little faith and let the Big Guy handle the rest.

I guess I also kind of summed up 2012 and started the engines for 2013.  In fact, the later half of where I will be in 2013 is unknown for now.  It's the scariest feeling I've had.  But I guess...it's okay.  Somehow, just maybe, everything's going to turn out as it should in time.

Happy 2013 everyone!

Keeping the faith,

Andrea (:

Figuring Things Out: Part 1

I think sometimes we wonder who we really are as opposed to who or what people make us out to be.  Sometimes I wonder why we do the very things we do.  Is it out of personal intention or are we driven by other things-onlookers telling us that this is what we should be doing, the determination to pull through for a greater goal, the belief that there is something after this phase we are experiencing that is worth it?  And sometimes when I think of that, I wonder, is it really worth it?  Good students claim that we shouldn't watch too much television but sit in front of the study table 8 hours a day to force ourselves to finish 4 sets of past year papers, reprimand ourselves if our minds stray away to the internet looking up random stuff instead of burying our heads in books-are all of these "sacrifices" worth sacrificing?  Are our child-like creative and spontaneous minds worth suppressing?

Presently, I feel myself disagreeing.

And there are a million and one perspectives to look at it I guess.  Sometimes, I see friends talk about getting their game face on, vowing to do nothing but study all day for exams or when we beat ourselves up for going out for dinner or taking a day off to be with friends instead of adding in those extra hours into exam preparations. And oddly enough, I'm at a point in my life in which, as much as I try, I fail to see the bad in all the alternatives I just mentioned.  Two years ago, I perceived a productive day to be a day when I succeeded in not moving from my chair for 5 hours finishing up two chapters of Physics.  At present, I still do feel happy with accomplishments of finishing homework and getting assignments done.  In fact, very happy.  

But...this amazing path I have taken since graduation has thrust me to the other end of the spectrum-things in life I didn't have much exposure to. SPM completion left me feeling empty and free as if I was invincible because honestly, it felt like there was nothing holding me back any more. Yes, all that I've done were things I did have a heart to do at the time and for that, I wouldn't have changed a thing.  But the abundance of what people, nature and everything I have encountered have taught me since high school has been no less overwhelming to say the least.

Now, having gotten back into the rhythm of college, I guess I'm a bit confused.  Confused because the way I see the world has altered.  But it soon came to my realisation that the world hasn't altered with it.  I have found myself more...unpredictable than before, or at least more willing to be unpredictable, less self-restraining to what I really want to do.  I find myself choosing to go out for dinner rather than staying cooped up in a room with my books, feeling a day out with my best friends as more productive than another day studying and ultimately, I find myself secretly happier at the end of these things that I sometimes scare myself, thriving at random moments of camping out in my kitchen to read my Biology notes to get out of my academically-scented room or having this song stuck in my head in the middle of Math and my mind just refusing to continue until I listen to it.  I know, beyond random but it is this bout of random-ness in myself that I have been trying to deal with in the past two years and secretly...it has left me so happy; happier than I remember I've ever been.  Is this just my mind acting up a week before exams? I don't know.

But what I do know is of how I cannot really sit still now as I could before.  It's like I have this mindset that I have been missing SO MUCH.  Even though I have done a considerable amount of things in high school, I still am in disbelief when I think about all the amazing opportunities that I have yet to take, the moments that truly matter with the people I love, things I love doing aside from school and I find myself drifting away from not the only things I've known but the very things I have spent the majority of my life with and haven't really shared too much of my time away from-my studies.  And I feel it really hard to find a comfortable position in this situation.  On one hand is my ever-present love for my studies but on the other, I feel that all the other things in my life are so undervalued and the picture I see right now just doesn't seem right.  I may be wrong on this.  I am actually waiting for that aha moment when I can sigh a relief and say "Oh, now it all makes sense."  But right now, it's more like all my experiences have taught me that the perceptions and generalisations of majority do not matter.  It is about your own desires, passions and love and how you choose your life.  But it is difficult to live by that when we humans are naturally in educational, social and psychological systems that don't allow us all that freedom.  I am not a very vocal person and I am not really one to rebel too much or go against people-I prefer tolerance and reaching a collective decision.  But for once, I feel my life and the choices I make are the anomaly in that equation.  At present, I feel this flame to just outright live the way my experiences have taught me to live and if I do make mistakes, let it be hurdles I learn from and can say I have faced without backing down in spite of fear. 

Here's what I learnt so far: it is about balance, more than anything.  The ability to strike some equal tension between the ropes of academic study and ropes of time spent with people, art, food, culture, movies and all their stories because at the end of the day, all of them are part of what I call true education.  If I ever thought learning only happened in a classroom in front of a textbook, I was wrong.  But in the process, I've realised that everything is easier said than done.  And I am still learning.

Try

Hohoho. Merry Christmas. Hohoho. 

Welcome back to reality of university applications due January 1st.

Hohoho to you my friend.

Pretty morbid, you may say.  I would agree because that is what I hear every time the thought of the university applications flash by my mind or someone reminds me of the beckoning deadline.  I don't blame them.  In fact, I have no one to be mad at, really.  It is what it is.  I am not going to write another paragraph of insinuating comments about how wonderful it is to do this when any traces of Christmas spirit is still inside me or the fact that I probably have two short weeks to study for my exam-both fact, if you were wondering. No, I guess I've had enough bad energy in my system to last a very long time if I keep on thinking about it.

I can go on about procrastination and last minute work but looking back on my past month, I do see instances where I could have spared a couple more hours solving those Math equations or cracking my head open in writing that uni essay of what makes me different from the 5, 000 other uni applicants attempting to do the exact same thing.  BUT, I didn't.  Because I used those times for other things which many would disagree with but in which case, I would regard it as moments which have kept me sane, alive and ready to face every day's battle.  Whether it was just a lazy Sunday to unwind and have my space in my room doing nothing, random excursions with friends where eye-opening conversations happen out of the blue or the joy of making a small mural in my room just because I wanted to.  It is these very things that have kept me happy and the little things and chunks of conversations that I cross paths with daily are what make my day, my day.  And if anyone were to take that away from me, it would be very possible.  But I would just know that I would be less happy and less of who I am today.

So, this is where I'm at.  Whether I like it or not.  6 US colleges. 6 essays to be written-give and take by new year's day (before even).  And I've always liked the idea of being someone who can just instantly come up with a brilliant piece of work in an hour, but I am not.  I roam around my fluffy mind and think, think and think like it's nobody's business and twirl the words and bits of what I want to say until I find that "click".  Or I find that something inside me or that picture in my head of seeing that piece come to life.  I feel it's so romanticised and poetic, too good to be true even.  Perhaps ringing in some scoffs of disbelief but I guess at this point, I don't really care about judgements of outsiders because there are a lot more pressing matters to deal with.  And I shall give my best in whatever I can find within myself today and all the days to come and just, literally, pour my soul out into every piece of writing I am capable of doing because it frustrates me to no end to write things half-heartedly, even if I notice it at the time or not.

And so, this is me just warming up at the tracks as I am about to tackle this race.  HOPEFULLY, I can look back on this when it is over and laugh at my slightly mocking self of the whole system that people who you may have never met in your life will determine your acceptance to a university through assessment of mere words on a sheet of paper (or maybe a computer screen). There are many things that trouble me but I know that it is not the time to think about it so I shall keep focused on the task at hand.

Wish me luck for this race of mine.  A race I am so daunted by and have no idea how it will end or whether I will be able to finish it but what I have, some say is more powerful than all of this, and it is faith.  Faith in God that somehow, somewhere in the midst of concerned parents, blank pages of essay questions and the need to give the best that I am capable of giving in such a short time span, 

I shall prevail.

And prevail, I shall try.

My Whisper

Sometimes, when you spend too long a time in a certain place or with a certain person, you tend to form pristine conclusions on what the place can hold or who the person is cut out to be but sometimes, I feel it is not the case.  And I guess so far, I have done a pretty okay job in keeping the positivity in my writing.  Because I wanted to and because it was what I was feeling at the present time.  But it does not mean that happiness is the only feeling I hold.

And sometimes, I guess it is frustrating to find the world frowning on you for having "bad" feelings, acting "inappropriately" and making a "mistake".  We have been so attuned to this that we automatically shake our heads when we see people losing their cool or control over a situation and assume it to be their fault or their '"flaw".  It just frustrates me that we isolate moments like these as moments that define that entire person.  It frustrates me that sometimes the only person that can understand what you are going through entirely is yourself and how terrible humanity's empathy can be at times when people need it the most.

I get frustrated at the times when people have a fixed picture in their head and whenever something comes along that doesn't match everything that they have learnt or have been fed with, they condemn it and roll it around their tongue towards an angle that is favourable to them just because they are too insensitive to care.

And sometimes, it is off-putting to find people who read this and jump to a hasty conclusion that I am angry. And fail to take one more step to understand why I am feeling this way and whether my thoughts and opinions even make any sense.  Or have their menacing labels of "angry", "emo", and "bad" cloud their vocabulary so early on that they are blinded no matter what I say here?

Truth is, I don't think people should ever be defined as a singular entity their entire lives that we seem like gods-people who are not able to fall down, to be angry, to be sad and to think anything but happy thoughts. It is not a trait we are relatively proud of. But it is a trait that exists in this world.  And it is a part of us.  It is a part of me.  Failure to acknowledge this is ignorance.  Until people start realising that one can never really just cut out portions of their selves, feelings and essentially who they are, and tailor them to become who people or society define as good.  The only thing we are capable of doing is to acknowledge our flaws and keep on improving.  To have the willingness to betterment but nowhere do we acknowledge that perfection is the only synonym to success.  It is that gumption to keep on striving for it is what matters.

So, this is me stripped down from all the care of what people may think of me.  Because composure has its goodness but I believe it takes so much more courage to be able to step up the podium and just let people know who I am.  What I believe in.  And what my principles are.  Despite of so many voices telling me what the whispers behind my back and two-faced glances may entail. Because true courage does not care for the unnecessary. 

I am a person who finds joy in the little things but it doesn't mean that I cannot be angered by the stubbornness of humanity (including myself). And this is me.  Take it...or just close your eyes and just keep on walking in a different direction...before I can't fight the urge of asking you what your thoughts are.  Because I am the most terrified person you'll meet in anticipating what people think of me because I just cannot be one of those people who couldn't care less.  But I am learning.  From everything.  

Just wanted to say that.  Thank you if you are listening.

"Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart." - Brene Brown

Still Finding My Way

It's funny how you can sit in front of the computer screen all day and still feel so exhausted, at least mentally drained. Because that is exactly how I feel.  At the beginning of these series of posts, I wasn't very sure how things would turn out or how in the world I was to do justice to my stories.  And I always have that feeling that there is so much more to tell, so many flaws to rectify with an insufficient amount of time in my hands.

But I guess I am changing, in a way.  I find myself more accepting of myself-the good and the bad.  I feel my love for art and people have expanded infinitely and intertwined together to form this ball of intense joy I get in producing art for people I love.  Because of how much heart I try to put into everything I make.

I guess I've also learnt to not push myself too hard.  It's hard to find the perfect balance between too little and too much but I am constantly trying. :) I shared this in an e-mail I replied to someone which I felt was a powerful lesson I attained from all of my experiences combined and that is: 

Sometimes, things don't go our way.  But it's OKAY.  The only thing that really matters is our COURAGE to get back up, dust the bad energy off and just keep on going.

The thing about life is that there is no definite beginning and end but rather shifts in your focus on things.  The past few weeks especially the most recent one has been gogogo that I don't even remember being spared time to breathe.  This is why I felt it so necessary for me to write all this down-find a space for me to just exude all my thoughts, feelings and memories through my eyes, before I get too caught up and fail to miss the beauty in everything that has occurred in my life and the lives of others; before I allow anyone else to change the picture of the way I look at things and life.  Know that this is just one raw account and there are countless more perspectives of the same story yet to be told and messages yet to unfold.  Even my perspective is subject to change. But for now, this is mine-one of the things I can call purely my own.  It will never be a perfectly complete account but as I have learnt, it is okay.  And may you take away from it what you can.  And keep on learning.

Till then,

Andrea. (: