The Beginning of the End

A new country. Home. Song. Family. School. Friends.

I can go on forever.

I didn't think I'd say this so soon but here it is - the end of 2011.

Honestly, I've been thinking about this post for a very long time. Thinking about what exactly am I supposed to say and...whether I'm even supposed to say anything.  Procrastination - one of man's biggest weaknesses has struck and I am left with a lost of words and an infertile land of thought.

*breathes*

Let's try again. 

The end of 2011. Am I ready?

Well, what I can say is that I am proud of how this year has played out.

I adopted a second home with an even more amazing family I can call my own.  The experiences the six months in the US has been undoubtedly irreplaceable and there will never be a memory quite like it again.  That is just how life-changing it has been.  My point is: Being an exchange student has been an enormous part of 2011 for me and one of the best choices I've made.  I won't go on and on about the people I've met and the endeavours I have taken because it stands as a story on its own. (: It has been many firsts I will forever cherish.

Laughed my head off in DC

I reached London!

I walked on ice

I went to prom

Built sand hips in the Oregon coast

Rode Panic Plunge Silverwood Theme Park, Idaho

 Held Edward at Forks, Washington

Left my DNA on the Gum Wall in Seattle

Landed in the first Starbucks!

Tracked the woods with a Four Wheeler

Savoured Tillamook Cheese Factory's ice cream

Became my own cowgirl

Attended a scholarship interview in the Malaysian Embassy, Washington DC

Went canoeing at Loon Lake

Drew my first family portrait

BACKFLIPPED in the snow!!!

Met the Montana Senator

Acted in The Princess and The Pea play

Went trampoline-ing

Rode a horse

Had a snow fight with mom!

Graduated for the second time

Then reunited with my Malaysian family :)

It is true what people say - to find yourself, you have to lose yourself.  It sounds so scary when you say it like that but I believe that's what happened to me when I landed back on the 'ground', returned to the 17 years of life I had lived, and ultimately, came back HOME. Probably one of the roughest periods because I had to adjust myself from what I had grown accustomed to for 6 months of my life.  I had college in a week and a mind still drugged by sights of pretty mountains in my dreams and the smell of American summer in my hair.  My family at home was anticipating my return and my family back 'home' was coming to terms with my recent departure - could life have thrown me a scarier curve ball?

Thank you (:

Nonetheless, the second half of the year saw me settling into college 6 months later than my peers and reverse culture shock slowed down the process of re-adapting but whatever it is, I did it and I'm pretty proud of myself (:  It's good to know that I still had a knack for books and more importantly, I was, in essence, the same old Andrea. Taking Edexcel A-Levels at HELP may not have been my initial plan but I'm glad I did it.  My subjects have currently grown to become my passions and kept me on track in loving what I do and doing what I love : Biology, English Literature, History, and Mathematics.

5km Walkathon at Putrajaya with college mates

Experiments in the Bio lab remind me of the love-hate relationship of mine with Mr. Microscope :)

18th Birthday with parents was so refreshing!

Thanks for sticking around before & after (: Love you besties!

Going into uncharted waters may not top the things I'd do but hey, a change-up once in a while is what adds spice to my life.  And with that thought in mind, my nosedive into theatre has helped me discover my love for it. My fingers are crossed that this does not end in 2011.

Phew.  Is it just me or does this list seem...short? Well, I would say...yes and no.  The difference I've realised with 2011 and other years is the weight of each paintbrush I've picked up.  For the past 17 years of my life, I've realised how things have always been go-go-go for me and space for breathing was minimal.  But this year...was different.  I didn't seem to have many things on my plate BUT I had extremely heavy things to tackle.  The US, college, theatre, love, friendship, family, and everything they entailed weighed me down...in a good way...to look at myself properly for once and ask myself: 

Who am I?

I finally got to stop (even if it was just a millisecond longer than usual) and smell the roses...and the fertiliser, I guess (haha).  I guess after writing all this down, I realised why I had no idea how to word my thoughts 30 minutes ago - it's because I was looking for the wrong things.  I was too caught up on the END of 2011 instead of realising that it was the BEGINNING of 2012.  This post shouldn't be about the end of great experiences but the start of something new. (Yes, a little cheesy)

So, enough of my long-winded lectures.  I shall end this post (but that's basically all I'm ending *wink*) by thanking 2011.

Dear 2011,

Thank you for teaching me things the hard way.  For exploring my vulnerabilities like you never have before and testing what I believe in.

Thank you for showing me that the world is a harsh place but apparently, I am living in it and there's no use running away from things that are better faced.

Thank you for beating me down so that I can rise up higher.  For telling me that people say bad things about you but it doesn't mean you need to care.

Thank you for proving to me that  intelligence is not purely reflected on a sheet of paper and  beauty isn't equated with one's body size.

Thank you for helping me see the love that emanates from every human being I have met along this journey called life because they have all been amazing guardian angels whether I realised it at that particular moment or not.  My only wish is that somehow, I may have touched their lives as much as they have mine.

Thank you for allowing me to make a multitude of mistakes and even fall flat on my face several times because without them, I don't know how I would be able to learn so much about humility.

Thank you for teaching me the importance of family.  And more importantly, for never letting me lose sight of FAITH and who has been the sole captain of my ship - GOD.

Dear 2011, thank you for helping me discover maybe not entirely but a little bit more, to say the least, of 

who I was, 

who I am, 

and who I want to be.

Lastly, to GOD of whom I can NEVER express enough gratitude but will do anyway:

You were right, I can do this.  (:

Forgive me for thinking otherwise and as always...

thank you. For everything.

Amen. (:

Carpe diem everyone!

Life: The Mobius Strip

Oh, boy. I've done it again.  I took a nosedive and am now in the zone of no return.  I have reached the point of being dangerously consumed and backtracking seems impossible.  This paintbrush that I have picked up is none other than...drama.

WAW.

I am speechless. Five months ago, my friends and I, still freshies in the world of Literature, heard about the annual HELP A-Level drama production. We joked how we had never tried our hand in acting, how our thespian endeavours seemed pretty bleak, and how high their standards seemed to be.  But somehow we garnered enough courage to get our butts to the auditions and personally, that was one of the best decisions I've made.

The next thing you know, drama practice filled my Friday evenings - some of them dreaded with the mock exams looming at the back of my mind, some sheer enjoyment laughing at the messed up plot of the play, and other days when it was serious business of perfecting our characters inside out.  A vocal trainer came in once that ended up with us doing bunny positions and massaging each other's backs.  Two cast members had birthdays on the same day and we surprised them with a birthday cake!  It's funny when you get to the point that you want to skip practice for homework or just plain laziness but then, you look at where you're at now - done with the show and wishing for those moments to come back even if it was just exchanging lines in an empty lecture hall with familiar faces.

What started out with just three people became such an amazing picture of the cast! Awww shucks XD

Nico! Also another Lit student and my cast mate in the same play. Enjoyed the company during those long waiting hours and chilling sessions before the show. <3 you!

Love you Callie! My History, Math and Lit classmate who can effortlessly make such a cute character :)

Isabelle - the only person taking the same subject combo as me! Headed the wardrobe department and I salute her dearly for carrying that heavy heavy workload.

With some tears from the pressure on the part of the production crew, we held on to each other forcing ourselves to keep on looking ahead.  The last week.  HECTIC - enough said.

In no way were we prepared for what was in store for us when we 'bumped in'. It was some experience to literally be stuck in the auditorium from 9am to 10pm from Monday to Friday. It amazed me to see the dedication all of us had for this. Our love for the stage. Our hopes of not letting our hard work go down the drain. When I say we weren't prepared, I meant it - sore throats, fever, and flus attacked the flock at the start of the week, cast members had mock EXAMS and rehearsals on the same day, one of my friend's car got banged and she actually had to MISS her mocks, one actor had to quit altogether in the last week due to tonsilitis and his understudy had 24 hours to showtime to MEMORISE the whole play, half the props were MIA during full dress rehearsals, our sound and lighting had two days to perfect the entirety of FIVE plays, and to top it off, we had the thought of pleasing a full house crowd three days straight. No pressure, right?

Warming up in the auditorium. GOSH this reminds me of the heebie-jeebies we had before the show. Dreaded and loved it at the same time - is that even possible?!

You'd think that after the first show, things would get easier. But the cast and crew were in for a surprise the next day when we learnt that we were running over the estimated 2 hours and some people (who were financing us) were not quite happy (as in threatening to STOP the production ENTIRELY) with the slight profanity used in the play. It was saddening to see how narrow-minded people sometimes seemed.  Our intentions were to depict the true essence of life and what it entails - not sugar coating the play with what wasn't reality.  Nonetheless, in 6 hours to showtime, we had to CUT probably 30 minutes worth of scenes in the midst of a cast and crew that just suffered a pretty big blow - energy level was an ultimate low. It didn't matter if our individual character's lines were affected but having envisioned something to be the way you've created it for five months, an abrupt change in rhythm on the day of performance was no help. Road bumps aside, I learnt so much about compromise and reaching an agreement when you don't exactly agree. I shall remember what Ms C, our head Lit lecturer said,

"There will always be fights.  But we have to LEARN to choose the fights WORTH FIGHTING FOR. Guys, I'm telling you now: we let them win THIS battle BUT we fight to WIN THE WAR."

(: I don't know if it makes any sense. But whoever who's been through the whole endeavour, would've definitely gotten what was said.

Alterations were done and what d'ya know? It turned out pretty darn AWESOME in the end. :) The fact that we pushed through TOGETHER despite the obstacles and amidst low spirits shows how much a family we had become.

And I am truly proud to be part of that family.

Getting people addicted to 'Sayang Kinabalu' and knowing more about Sabah even if it started out by talking about the rainforest (we're getting there) has also been what I pride myself with. The chants and before-the-show rituals will forever make me laugh. I will miss warming up with you guys :) If it is what it is, maybe this won't be the last time *wink*

Thank you Lord for letting me stumble upon this pebble I now know to be theatre and encouraging me to turn it over when I almost stepped over it.

I will remember this (': Much love.

Here's to drama being something more than just being in the spotlight, fancy costumes, and pretty make up. Here's to the discovery of the immense blood, tears, sweat, time, and love this wonderful hobby brings.

Loving it (: *empowered*

Of Birthdays and Too Much Thinking

Cinema guy: What movie?

Me: The Thing.

Cinema guy: *clicks* Are you 18?

Me: Uh oh. *panics* Umm. *looks at friend and thinks* Wait...*epic realisation* Yea, I am 18.

Cinema guy: *gives are-you-sure look*

Me: *goes into ecstatic mode* Hahaha. YEAH, I'm EIGHTEEN!! Woots! *smiles as wide as I can*

Cinema guy: O......kay.

Haha. Last Friday, I went to watch this semi-horror movie called The Thing (which wasn't really horror actually) and apparently it was rated 18 probably because of the blood and goriness of it. And the conversation above was my first 'duh' moment when I realised that I actually have turned 18! I know it's very ordinary for youngsters to go for 18 movies (tsk.tsk), but I guess there's just this satisfying feeling inside me that is somewhat proud of myself. 18 sounds so...old and mature. Ah, well. It's not too bad. Turning 20 - now THAT would be unbelievable.

It was my first birthday in KL and it was GREAT! Parents flew over to celebrate so I don't think I could have had it any better! I've thought about the idea of celebrating birthdays with friends or college mates and I have nothing against it but for me, I feel happiest with family, really! And I guess when us teens get older, sometimes we start to stray away from family and hang out with friends more or what others might call 'having a social life'. Peer influence can be pretty strong these days but I think it's still up to the individual however he or she wants to live her life. Cheh. :)

Time flew by SO fast. Ice cream cake from Baskin and Robbins was sooo good and karaoke at Red Box was fun - made me realise how much songs have been out since I last really karaoke-ed. We also went on a food spree which was just the BEST but basically the accumulation of everything we did made my weekend :D. Thank you mommy and papa for a birthday filled with love and joy! I feel like the luckiest daughter on earth. It couldn't have been more perfect and I hope you had as much fun as I did :)

Discovered the awesome and famous Chinese food at Lot 10!

Forever grateful for all the well wishes from friends and family too! Receiving a call from my kakak back home wishing me happy birthday touched me beyond belief :') - it made my day and gave me that humbled feeling. She has the same birthday as me so SELAMAT HARI JADI KAKAK! I love you :*

Oh yes, another thing that was different this year was how long I've been away from my normal environment. Aside from the obvious differences, I realised a subtle contrast between being an only child and not I guess. I used to get quite mad at people who'd just jump to conclusions when you say you're an only child - they'll either have that hidden scrutiny in their eyes or just outwright say, "Oooooooohhhhh, no wonder la." And my mind'll start wondering: No wonder what? We just met. Does being an only child make THAT much of a difference until you act like you know EVERYTHING about me?

Haha. Woopsy, a slight rant there. But as the encounters increased, I learnt to give people a break - stereotypes and generalisations are inevitable and there is some truth behind it sometimes. I take a step back and I see society only focusing on the negative side of things. Yes, in a way, maybe we do get more attention and more attached to parents but if we learn to not throw tantrums and act mature just like any other child, I don't see anything too wrong in having a closer relationship with our folks. Yes, some of us can be spoilt brats but some of us can also NOT be. I know how too much pampering can be very bad and I don't deny the fact that it is indeed present in some families. But. Not. All.

I think living with siblings is a beautiful thing and people should be thankful for having brothers and sisters who will always be there for you coz it's in their blood! (: I think that being an only child is also a beautiful thing - instead of fearing the labels of mommy and daddy's child, EMBRACE it. Having been gone for pretty long, the stark clarity in my folks' endless love overwhelms and I think it is a blessing we shouldn't be ashamed of.

On a side note, say hello to my baby brother WYATT all the way in Montana!!! He decided to see the world on the 15th of October 2011 and is now being loved by a wonderful wonderful family. I got this picture along with a birthday email my grandparents sent me so I was just bursting with joy! Adowable!

I'm a proud sista! :D

Not forgetting a shout out to my sister Suzanah whose birthday was on the 12th! She is officially a teenager at 13 and as my host mom would say, they'll be A LOT of things happening in the house these coming years. Oh yes there will be. Stay your cheerful self Suzanah! Loves!

Having said all that, I guess the only thing left to say is : Hi, I have three people in my family and I am an only child. I have a host family of six people in Montana whom I love dearly just like true family. Haha. Yes, my parents do love me very dearly... Just like YOUR parents. Don't worry, I don't get too lonely, I think hanging out with my parents is pretty cool actually. After all, they did raise us since birth, don't you think? No, I wouldn't think I'd wish for a brother or a sister. I think it's an amazing thing but then again, maybe the Big Guy wanted this for a reason. Perhaps he wanted this to be my driving force to prove people wrong and work all the much harder to show society who I truly am even if everyone else has an upper hand.

You'll never know.

It just might be working *wink*

Selamat Hari Jadi Bev!

OCTOBER has arrived! And I can't believe this year is coming to an end.  Honestly, my mind has been nagging me to blog for the past few weeks but I never gave in until...today.  It's funny because I'd get these weird split-second moments when I'm minutes to falling asleep or randomly studying a poem about death during Literature class that this certain urge to write comes out of nowhere and then *snaps finger* it's gone. Hm.  Where do I start? Let's take it post by post.

First,

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY BEVERLY RACHEL MATUJAL!!!

I will forever find it ironic that your birthday falls a day before mine.  And to think we've been together since...Primary 1 but only got close AFTER 10 years? How is that even possible?!  You tell me. (: This is when the Big Guy steps in I guess. *wink*

*walks down memory lane* Well, even though you've told me that your perception of me during primary school may have been some distant figure (which I still don't get sometimes. Haha), I, on the other hand, actually remember you as the classmate in 3 Rose that was brave enough to state her ambition as wanting to be a songwriter, your grandpa waiting for you after school in his jeep, and your seemingly shy disposition which we all know now to be far from the truth. JOKES. :D

Bev: Funny kan my joke.
Me: Haha. Yea, very funny.

Sometimes, our relationship seems to be a funny one. I don't know how throughout those first few high school years, you came up with the nickname 'Loonie' for me which somehow miraculously stuck till today.  I remember despising it for the mere reason that...well, who in their right mind would want to be known as Loonie? BUT, as time progressed, I kind of took it as a compliment and due to the stars aligning (which happens once in a blue moon) and there was sign of the coming apocalypse, 

we became best friends. JOKES (about the stars aligning la). Haha.

What I mean to say is, Bev, I think you are the best person I know to exercise sarcasm with. Haha.  Knowing you has definitely loosened me up and made me go on non stop laughing sprees.  Perhaps you can tell by the way I write when I'm addressing it to you too! The way we crack each other up is very subtle and we use very... 'sharp' words if you know what I mean.  Trust me, this is special because if I were to do this with anyone else, they'd think I'm insane or just plain rude (Yes, I've tried it before. Bad experience). SO, thank you Bev for the wonderful wonderful conversations filled with sarcasm and mockery and all those aspects that don't constitute your conventional definition of friendship. :D I love you coz we are one and the same!!!

*sings*
It may seem cliche for me to wanna say
That you're not alone
You may call me uncool but it's a simple fact
I got your back!

Singing 'Send It On' during Convo!

Wish we could have sung more together! I'm not gonna go on and on about how musically talented you are, because I know you know :) I'm just going to say that you're ability to listen to a tune and instantly know it and you're raw gift on the piano AND guitar continue to astound me. But that's all you're getting :) You do an AMAZING job putting up with people around you who might not be as good as you too *ahem* me *ahem*

Choir moments were interesting - we got to know to know each other way more.  There have been pretty low moments throughout our friendship and saya susun sepuluh jari if I have caused you any pain OR affected other people close to you.  All I know is, that you are one positive and easy-going person so please stay the same Bev! I'll be there for you :)

Look how good we look pretending to study! :P

 Thanks for being there for me through it all ;)

Amber and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts. Kan Amber? :)

Hugs and Kisses all the way from KL!

This is For You, Amber

SO, college life has been picking up momentum and I can say that currently, my plate is pretty full. However, due to the urgency of the matter, I decided to call it a night after drama practice, reading about why Singapore left Malaysia, and doing Trigs for an hour BECAUSE there is something MORE important for me to announce. And that is...

*drumroll please*

HAPPY EIGHTEENTH BIRTHDAY 
AMBERLICIA ANTHONY THANE!

Let me put this simply - knowing you has been just AMAZING. I don't care if this sounds hard to believe but thank you for turning my life around when you stepped into it three years ago. Sometimes, it's funny how you can know a person for SO long and only truly get to know her after 8 years. The circumstances in which we met amuses me a lot. From just reading the newspapers together and a mere exchange of smiles in Form 3, to sitting together in Form 4, and to be HOLDING EACH OTHER'S HAND during the whole of Form 5 without expecting what life would throw at us. Honestly, Amber, even though you continue to disagree with me on this, I still think that you have handled everything that's happened with probably more grace than I could muster myself - I could never imagine myself in your situation. You constantly thank me for being by your side but I THINK you need to give more credit to yourself for being possibly the strongest person I know.

Three years ago, I was a teenage girl wondering why bad things happened to good people.  I told God that if he wanted to send me a guardian angel, He'd better be FAST. Coz I didn't have much time.

Who knew that in the whole scheme of things, he would send me two (:

I found it pretty surreal when we flew all the way to KL for the Clean and Clear gig. It wasn't about winning though. Looking back on all these moments spent together, I realised how hard it would be to go on such an adventure like that now. Thus, I feel so grateful with the unending laughter we had when visiting the fish spa and riding the roller coaster in Sunway Lagoon! Haha.

And then the end of our high school years - no one could believe graduation was here! I had a blast singing with you guys and I didn't think any other bunch of singing mates would have made me happier.

SO, as you can see. I have many things to say. But, in essence, this should sum it up. Amber, I wrote this not for public display or whatever reasons people blog for these days. I wrote this because I wish to celebrate the birthday of someone very special in my life.

If I were to thank you every day of my life, I would still not be able to compensate for what our friendship has done for me.

I write this with as much sincerity from the bottom of my heart

because you are worth it.

I love you. Know that I am here for you. Always.