Crossroads

I have been staring at my blog entries - my past experiences that have moulded me thus far.  I have been typing a string of sentences on a blank post and subsequently "backspacing".  If there is one word to describe how I feel right now, it would be ambivalent.  Except, instead of being torn between two decisions, I feel myself being pulled in a million different directions.

These few months - in fact - this whole year has been overwhelming.  So overwhelming that every time I sit myself down to attempt to write about it, fear gets the better of me.  Fear of not doing justice to every BEAUTIFUL lesson I have learnt.  Fear of not pouring my heart and soul in sharing with you how much love and joy I have found in the people I have met.  Fear of not painting as perfect a picture of how God has crafted my year.  Sigh.  Fear of admitting that God has proven me wrong again because this year is coming extremely close to beating 2011. (Yes, I ask myself time and time again: How is that even possible?!) See what I have to deal with?

Ah.  Well.  I am evidently at crossroads; it's like everything that I have known myself to be and everything new I have absorbed from this astounding year are just blinking viciously at me.  I guess this is just me putting myself out there and telling you that I am in the process of garnering enough courage in me to tell you another one of my stories.  But first, allow me to try and...figure things out; figure myself out.  Because things. are. overwhelming. (If it is any consolation, all of it is positive energy.  And I find myself thanking God for every blessing-big or small alike)

So, with fingers crossed and whispers of prayers under my breath, I shall return very soon. But for now, I shall leave you with a thought.

The other day I was walking to college with my earphones on.  You know those moments when you seem like you're looking at something but actually you're a million light years away, in your own bubble of thought? Yea, that was me.  And I was just thinking.  Thinking about how many people around me did I know.  How many of them who were utter strangers to me, would one day be someone important to me: a friend, a lab partner, a good confidant.  

How was it that the same person I may have brushed shoulders with a year ago, may be the same person I stay up talking to till the wee hours of the morning in another life, another season, 6 months from our first encounter?

It astounds me and I continue to find myself dumbfounded by these two words: Stranger and Friend.  How does it happen? Is it just by mere conversation? Common interest?  Accidental confrontation?  Why didn't we see it coming?

There are many more things I can't wait to share.  This is just one of them.

Oh, God, you work in wondrous ways.  Wondrous, indeed. (:

A Different Kind of Courage

"Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart."

It's funny how I go absent for half a year and finally find something in me to start writing again. I guess the series of encounters I've had this semester has gotten me thinking - as it always has with the weird workings of my mind. I had a good conversation with a friend a while back about what it means to stay true to yourself. And she surprised me with her take on things.  It was then that I realised how it takes people looking from the outside to tell you what they see. More often than not, their perspective may surprise you.

Looking at my journey in retrospect, I guess there is much change in it.  I remember my Biology lecturer once said that the only constant thing in science is change. And if you were to define science as the study of life, then it would read that life itself is always changing. See what I just did there? ;)

I guess being raised in an Asian society entailed a very academic upbringing. An environment I found many of my peers dreaded.  With the ultimate pressure in success being defined as mere academic excellence, you find kids hating school and anything or anyone associated with it.  Call it luck, fate or what have you, but I guess in that department, I didn't fall short of the Asian stereotype.  My early years were filled with innocence which soon turned to frowning at my intellectual ability for it gained me more enemies and jealous friends than anything.  As a doe-eyed 10-year-old, I guess you start wondering what you did wrong in getting straight A’s in your exams that people invented rumours about you going to endless tuition classes and being forced to study every night.  I guess when I was 10, jealousy and envy were two words very foreign to my vocabulary.

Not anymore.

And I really don't mean it in a cut throat way but really, the whole point of the matter is, that I change.  We change.  Why? Because we LEARN. And hopefully, in hopes of being a better and stronger person. I guess after a turbulent yet in most parts, enjoyable ride, I changed and started EMBRACING what I now call my gift.  A gift of intellectual ability I felt I fell short of appreciating what I had to the fullest because I was too preoccupied by how others felt about it.  

I guess you could say that I learnt a lot about courage.  I learnt that courage didn't mean conforming to what the social mentality, in this case Asian, thought was right.  Courage was considering all aspects and discovering what you have within yourself and not being afraid of showing the world what God has given you; and if it was the norm in society, great! If it wasn't, still great!  Many a time, my high school friends have found me with my nose in my books assuming my life to revolve around exams.  But I guess I want to tell them my side of the story in spite of it being hard to believe: I've always enjoyed learning and I have always possessed an academic drive to excel derived from nowhere else but me.  Yes, I may have been swayed at several instances with the kiasu-ism of the crowd and my better judgement clouded by the fear of not living up to the expectations of people around me.  But that in itself, is courage.  Courage to realise the flaw in the system and in myself and learning to improve myself from there.  What mattered more than getting that '1st' position on my report card was what I gained from all of this at the end of the day.  

I learnt that everyone has different potential to achieve many things.  We are all different.  And having to ask all 800 high school students in my school to conform to a standard of 90-100% being A+ and that being the only definition of a 'pelajar cemerlang' is in my words, just poop.  What about that student who brings her guitar to school every week composing melodies with the potential to become a wonderful musician?  What about that bespectacled pupil who never stops sketching manga on the corners of all her notebooks - can she not be the next best comic book artist?  I know academics may have been my niche (and for that I am blessed and grateful) but it doesn't mean that all 800 students are academically-inclined.  I am glad that I have found what I love to do even if the world has an ironic take to my weird joy for studying (or learning, if you wish) but I just wish I could speak more for those peers whose voices cannot be heard.  The minority being the arts isn't a field I have any less love towards and I just wish less people were blind to its beauty.

At times, I have learnt to put my foot down and say "No, this is not what I stand for or who I am," yet humble myself at other times to listen to people's advice.  Because it shouldn’t matter what gold medal or position you ranked in class. I’ve grown to believe that what mattered was WHO YOU ARE as a person  and how much you used what you had to HELP others to achieve their greatest potential.  There are many thin lines drawn, some I am still in the process of deciphering, but which comes only from experience.  From life.  Nothing else.  I am learning and I am still changing. (Note the present tense)

You'd think that at the brink of 'adulthood' (it scares me but it's true), change would have worn down by now but it actually is the opposite. 2012 has been nothing but one change after another. College has brought me to cross paths with some brilliant minds and although I was initially apprehensive of how this would play out, I realised I like how things are and I wouldn't have it any other way.  It had a lot with me defining my principles and why I was actually doing what I was doing in college.  I feel much more confident now than I was before, that I am genuinely competing with no one else but myself.  It has been a humbling experience being a girl from Sabah to meet some pretty awesome city people who have achieved many things.  It has taught me to have a sincere respect for the talents of others without trying to compete with their standards but rather, stay true to my own.  Nonetheless, I guess you may find me pushing myself a lot, perhaps too hard sometimes (still working on that), I guess we are, after all, figuring ourselves out.  I have not mastered how to stop pushing myself overboard, but I am learning.

And as I embark on another swashbuckling adventure of daunting University Applications, I can never dare to say that I am prepared.  Because life has a way of catching you off-guard at the most unsuspecting times.

“Courage is to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart”

And this is as much heart as I can put into the story of who I am.  It is nowhere near the entirety of it nor is it an accurate account.  But it is MY account.  It is a piece of me I would like to share.  Take it or leave it.  

The Beginning of the End

A new country. Home. Song. Family. School. Friends.

I can go on forever.

I didn't think I'd say this so soon but here it is - the end of 2011.

Honestly, I've been thinking about this post for a very long time. Thinking about what exactly am I supposed to say and...whether I'm even supposed to say anything.  Procrastination - one of man's biggest weaknesses has struck and I am left with a lost of words and an infertile land of thought.

*breathes*

Let's try again. 

The end of 2011. Am I ready?

Well, what I can say is that I am proud of how this year has played out.

I adopted a second home with an even more amazing family I can call my own.  The experiences the six months in the US has been undoubtedly irreplaceable and there will never be a memory quite like it again.  That is just how life-changing it has been.  My point is: Being an exchange student has been an enormous part of 2011 for me and one of the best choices I've made.  I won't go on and on about the people I've met and the endeavours I have taken because it stands as a story on its own. (: It has been many firsts I will forever cherish.

Laughed my head off in DC

I reached London!

I walked on ice

I went to prom

Built sand hips in the Oregon coast

Rode Panic Plunge Silverwood Theme Park, Idaho

 Held Edward at Forks, Washington

Left my DNA on the Gum Wall in Seattle

Landed in the first Starbucks!

Tracked the woods with a Four Wheeler

Savoured Tillamook Cheese Factory's ice cream

Became my own cowgirl

Attended a scholarship interview in the Malaysian Embassy, Washington DC

Went canoeing at Loon Lake

Drew my first family portrait

BACKFLIPPED in the snow!!!

Met the Montana Senator

Acted in The Princess and The Pea play

Went trampoline-ing

Rode a horse

Had a snow fight with mom!

Graduated for the second time

Then reunited with my Malaysian family :)

It is true what people say - to find yourself, you have to lose yourself.  It sounds so scary when you say it like that but I believe that's what happened to me when I landed back on the 'ground', returned to the 17 years of life I had lived, and ultimately, came back HOME. Probably one of the roughest periods because I had to adjust myself from what I had grown accustomed to for 6 months of my life.  I had college in a week and a mind still drugged by sights of pretty mountains in my dreams and the smell of American summer in my hair.  My family at home was anticipating my return and my family back 'home' was coming to terms with my recent departure - could life have thrown me a scarier curve ball?

Thank you (:

Nonetheless, the second half of the year saw me settling into college 6 months later than my peers and reverse culture shock slowed down the process of re-adapting but whatever it is, I did it and I'm pretty proud of myself (:  It's good to know that I still had a knack for books and more importantly, I was, in essence, the same old Andrea. Taking Edexcel A-Levels at HELP may not have been my initial plan but I'm glad I did it.  My subjects have currently grown to become my passions and kept me on track in loving what I do and doing what I love : Biology, English Literature, History, and Mathematics.

5km Walkathon at Putrajaya with college mates

Experiments in the Bio lab remind me of the love-hate relationship of mine with Mr. Microscope :)

18th Birthday with parents was so refreshing!

Thanks for sticking around before & after (: Love you besties!

Going into uncharted waters may not top the things I'd do but hey, a change-up once in a while is what adds spice to my life.  And with that thought in mind, my nosedive into theatre has helped me discover my love for it. My fingers are crossed that this does not end in 2011.

Phew.  Is it just me or does this list seem...short? Well, I would say...yes and no.  The difference I've realised with 2011 and other years is the weight of each paintbrush I've picked up.  For the past 17 years of my life, I've realised how things have always been go-go-go for me and space for breathing was minimal.  But this year...was different.  I didn't seem to have many things on my plate BUT I had extremely heavy things to tackle.  The US, college, theatre, love, friendship, family, and everything they entailed weighed me down...in a good way...to look at myself properly for once and ask myself: 

Who am I?

I finally got to stop (even if it was just a millisecond longer than usual) and smell the roses...and the fertiliser, I guess (haha).  I guess after writing all this down, I realised why I had no idea how to word my thoughts 30 minutes ago - it's because I was looking for the wrong things.  I was too caught up on the END of 2011 instead of realising that it was the BEGINNING of 2012.  This post shouldn't be about the end of great experiences but the start of something new. (Yes, a little cheesy)

So, enough of my long-winded lectures.  I shall end this post (but that's basically all I'm ending *wink*) by thanking 2011.

Dear 2011,

Thank you for teaching me things the hard way.  For exploring my vulnerabilities like you never have before and testing what I believe in.

Thank you for showing me that the world is a harsh place but apparently, I am living in it and there's no use running away from things that are better faced.

Thank you for beating me down so that I can rise up higher.  For telling me that people say bad things about you but it doesn't mean you need to care.

Thank you for proving to me that  intelligence is not purely reflected on a sheet of paper and  beauty isn't equated with one's body size.

Thank you for helping me see the love that emanates from every human being I have met along this journey called life because they have all been amazing guardian angels whether I realised it at that particular moment or not.  My only wish is that somehow, I may have touched their lives as much as they have mine.

Thank you for allowing me to make a multitude of mistakes and even fall flat on my face several times because without them, I don't know how I would be able to learn so much about humility.

Thank you for teaching me the importance of family.  And more importantly, for never letting me lose sight of FAITH and who has been the sole captain of my ship - GOD.

Dear 2011, thank you for helping me discover maybe not entirely but a little bit more, to say the least, of 

who I was, 

who I am, 

and who I want to be.

Lastly, to GOD of whom I can NEVER express enough gratitude but will do anyway:

You were right, I can do this.  (:

Forgive me for thinking otherwise and as always...

thank you. For everything.

Amen. (:

Carpe diem everyone!

Life: The Mobius Strip

Oh, boy. I've done it again.  I took a nosedive and am now in the zone of no return.  I have reached the point of being dangerously consumed and backtracking seems impossible.  This paintbrush that I have picked up is none other than...drama.

WAW.

I am speechless. Five months ago, my friends and I, still freshies in the world of Literature, heard about the annual HELP A-Level drama production. We joked how we had never tried our hand in acting, how our thespian endeavours seemed pretty bleak, and how high their standards seemed to be.  But somehow we garnered enough courage to get our butts to the auditions and personally, that was one of the best decisions I've made.

The next thing you know, drama practice filled my Friday evenings - some of them dreaded with the mock exams looming at the back of my mind, some sheer enjoyment laughing at the messed up plot of the play, and other days when it was serious business of perfecting our characters inside out.  A vocal trainer came in once that ended up with us doing bunny positions and massaging each other's backs.  Two cast members had birthdays on the same day and we surprised them with a birthday cake!  It's funny when you get to the point that you want to skip practice for homework or just plain laziness but then, you look at where you're at now - done with the show and wishing for those moments to come back even if it was just exchanging lines in an empty lecture hall with familiar faces.

What started out with just three people became such an amazing picture of the cast! Awww shucks XD

Nico! Also another Lit student and my cast mate in the same play. Enjoyed the company during those long waiting hours and chilling sessions before the show. <3 you!

Love you Callie! My History, Math and Lit classmate who can effortlessly make such a cute character :)

Isabelle - the only person taking the same subject combo as me! Headed the wardrobe department and I salute her dearly for carrying that heavy heavy workload.

With some tears from the pressure on the part of the production crew, we held on to each other forcing ourselves to keep on looking ahead.  The last week.  HECTIC - enough said.

In no way were we prepared for what was in store for us when we 'bumped in'. It was some experience to literally be stuck in the auditorium from 9am to 10pm from Monday to Friday. It amazed me to see the dedication all of us had for this. Our love for the stage. Our hopes of not letting our hard work go down the drain. When I say we weren't prepared, I meant it - sore throats, fever, and flus attacked the flock at the start of the week, cast members had mock EXAMS and rehearsals on the same day, one of my friend's car got banged and she actually had to MISS her mocks, one actor had to quit altogether in the last week due to tonsilitis and his understudy had 24 hours to showtime to MEMORISE the whole play, half the props were MIA during full dress rehearsals, our sound and lighting had two days to perfect the entirety of FIVE plays, and to top it off, we had the thought of pleasing a full house crowd three days straight. No pressure, right?

Warming up in the auditorium. GOSH this reminds me of the heebie-jeebies we had before the show. Dreaded and loved it at the same time - is that even possible?!

You'd think that after the first show, things would get easier. But the cast and crew were in for a surprise the next day when we learnt that we were running over the estimated 2 hours and some people (who were financing us) were not quite happy (as in threatening to STOP the production ENTIRELY) with the slight profanity used in the play. It was saddening to see how narrow-minded people sometimes seemed.  Our intentions were to depict the true essence of life and what it entails - not sugar coating the play with what wasn't reality.  Nonetheless, in 6 hours to showtime, we had to CUT probably 30 minutes worth of scenes in the midst of a cast and crew that just suffered a pretty big blow - energy level was an ultimate low. It didn't matter if our individual character's lines were affected but having envisioned something to be the way you've created it for five months, an abrupt change in rhythm on the day of performance was no help. Road bumps aside, I learnt so much about compromise and reaching an agreement when you don't exactly agree. I shall remember what Ms C, our head Lit lecturer said,

"There will always be fights.  But we have to LEARN to choose the fights WORTH FIGHTING FOR. Guys, I'm telling you now: we let them win THIS battle BUT we fight to WIN THE WAR."

(: I don't know if it makes any sense. But whoever who's been through the whole endeavour, would've definitely gotten what was said.

Alterations were done and what d'ya know? It turned out pretty darn AWESOME in the end. :) The fact that we pushed through TOGETHER despite the obstacles and amidst low spirits shows how much a family we had become.

And I am truly proud to be part of that family.

Getting people addicted to 'Sayang Kinabalu' and knowing more about Sabah even if it started out by talking about the rainforest (we're getting there) has also been what I pride myself with. The chants and before-the-show rituals will forever make me laugh. I will miss warming up with you guys :) If it is what it is, maybe this won't be the last time *wink*

Thank you Lord for letting me stumble upon this pebble I now know to be theatre and encouraging me to turn it over when I almost stepped over it.

I will remember this (': Much love.

Here's to drama being something more than just being in the spotlight, fancy costumes, and pretty make up. Here's to the discovery of the immense blood, tears, sweat, time, and love this wonderful hobby brings.

Loving it (: *empowered*