change

I hate change.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I am terrible at dealing with goodbyes, a change of setting, time, place, and people.  But as I have learnt as I keep on trudging forward, change is inevitable and it becomes necessary for growth. Now, every time when I see change up ahead, I try to remind myself of things I do have control over: where I come from, who I was, am, and hope to be.  I remind myself that I do have a say in what I wish to hold onto in my heart as I grow, learn, and keep moving forward.  The traveller always keeps going in hopes of becoming a better human than she was yesterday.  As cheesy as it sounds, at this point, you should already know that cheesy-ness is a big part of the traveller.

No promises of course, just lots of faith, courage, resilience, and hope.

It is that time for me to cross another bridge, yet again.  

My next adventure awaits and the curious wanderer is always welcome to browse, leave, or stay: artlessworrior.blogspot.com

Hope to see you if I see you.

Your traveller,

Andrea.

untitled blog post draft

**I wrote this in the early days of Jan 2014 as the blog suggests.  This was a blog post I never finished but I found insightful looking back.  I thought it was fine to just post it as it is.  A moment in time. (: 

Rewind: April 4, 2013

"All this while I have always believed in standing up for true education, in challenging what the majority says is "right", getting arts and science equally weighted, actually giving my heart back to society and stalwartly believing that a letter grade on a sheet of paper does not define who you are as a person.  Reflecting on all that I have been through made it even clearer to me that this is who I am and this is what I stood for.  And I felt there was a college that embodied this.

When I asked myself what I wanted for the next stage of my life, I found myself wanting to take the road less travelled by (again); to seek learning beyond the classroom over studying for exams, to do things out of love instead of obligation, to fully explore how far my love for art can take me and to surround myself with people who shared this belief.  It reminded me of the first post I did upon completion of high school and I believe my dream has not changed.  My perspectives may have shifted and my self coarsened but my vision remains: To be able to look back on my life and truly say that I have lived it to the fullest; I have made the most of what was laid before me because I had the courage to stand up for what I believed in. 

To be able to look back and proudly say, I did not regret a thing."

Play: January 11, 2014

It has been close to a year since I wrote the post above.  A lot of things have happened since then.

Play again: February 13, 2014; 4.26 am
(this was the time recorded on my notepad but later on in this draft I mention a different time--I'm suspecting this was written in two chunks)

So, here I am sitting in the library.  I was in the midst of drafting an essay about my college-going and applying experience--essentially, how I ended up here.  Everything was fine until midway through, so many memories and thoughts came flooding back and became too overwhelming, leading to a brain freeze.  I ditched my word pad and decided to resort to pen my feelings down.  In the moment.  I am still extremely overwhelmed with the collection of all these memories and layers of identity that have been part of my journey.  I also realized that I have not blogged in a long time.  I have been missing; at least, my story-telling self from the blogging world has been absent.  I think part of it is because I have been earnestly trying to avoid the ultimate question I always ask myself when I write these things:

Where do I begin?

As I am telling you this story, I am midway through the beginning of my second semester at Hampshire College.  It is 3.17 p.m. and I am blaming my recent Skype conversation with my three friends from my old Lit class for causing my difficulty in getting back into the zone of completing papers and focusing on the upcoming lessons of my classes.  I have been thinking a lot about what has changed and where the markers are in each of our individual roads.  At present, I am ruminating if it would be worth it to go to the Bridge Cafe to snag some sushi and juice for dinner on the bus to my only class for today, Emergency Medical Technician (EMT) training class, 6 pm - 10 pm.  I look back at the window and I see the snow-covered grass—tomorrow, another snow storm is predicted, they say.  I take a mental note to try stay in my dorm room tomorrow.  It is winter, my first one in college and my second one in America.  I still have not gotten used to the cold.

Christmas

I guess I haven't been here in a while.  This semester I have learnt a lot and I have yet to figure myself out to retell the story, so, that will be another post.  This Christmas is my first away from home but I feel I have learnt more than I have any other year.  And maybe perhaps because my perspective has changed...again...and as it always will.

Honestly, I don't really feel like writing right now (or proofreading either. heh).  I think I'm in one of those weird bubbles that I'm not sure which way of communication is best--speech, writing, art, dance, what have you. (My thoughts tend to consume me. And that is an understatement.) I just thought I'd scribble a post about a thought I want to hold onto before it goes away.  Sometimes, I feel like we take this world for granted.  Every day, I go on Facebook and I see statuses talking about what their day is going to be like, photos of them celebrating with friends and basically, joyful moments. There is nothing profoundly wrong about it; I do it.  But sometimes, when I think about it some more, I think of all the people that don't have that privilege.  I think of all the things we post on Facebook--our rants, the music videos or casual banter with friends--and I think of how incredibly small the weight of all these things compare to all the people out there who I see sitting on the streets, maybe wondering if today would be a good day and they'd get $5 to get dinner.  It freaks me out.  And it tears me up.  But the thing is, I don't want to feel pity for them.  Because when I think about it, if I were them, I wouldn't want people to just pity me or look down on where I'm at--everyone has a story, a past and different pebbles and thorns we've unearthed along the way.  I feel more compelled to respect them.  I also want to help them with as much dignity and integrity.

The stark contrast and disparity I see in society is so huge.  It is so huge that I feel so bad sometimes that I just look up and ask "Why?" So many questions.  Why do I get this and he doesn't?  Why do I not have all the money in the world and all the time to go out and help them?  Why doesn't everyone feel the same way?  Why do I take things for granted?  Why do I get so lazy to do such simple things and then feel so bad afterwards knowing that other people have it much harder?

Why does my mind have to think of all these complicated webs of thoughts? Why can't I just be like what so many people seem to be like--normal and not fussing and thinking and worrying about every single thing including the guys busking on every subway I go to, on every hand stretched forward stopping my stride mid step.

People say empathy is good.  Thinking about others is good.  But

I don't know.

What good is empathy if you feel horrible after that because you are incapable of doing everything you wish you could for the person?  And knowing that you can't help everyone.

Sigh.  Don't worry.  I have a good optimistic conclusion to calm myself down but I just don't feel like writing about that right now.  Let me swim in these thoughts a little longer.

Okay, blessed Christmas.  I still think it is a Blessed one.  :] Hah.  That sounds optimistic.  And I haven't even gotten to the "optimistic conclusion".  Ah well, another day perhaps.  :)

Sometimes, I feel like there are so many things I want to do in this world, so many people I want to love and reciprocate the love that they have given me and so many things I want to fix that's broken to the point that I just don't know what to do or I don't even know what's broken and what's not. So many blurred lines. Too many.  And I look up and I ask the Big Guy:

why?

It is an ongoing conversation .

Yes, I guess the return from my sabbatical from this blog shall start with an emo-cheesy thought that has been bugging me. And I mean it in the most sincere way. Anyone who can't handle it can go elsewhere. Heh. 

I'll be back. I won't promise but I'll try. 

Amen. 

Sabah, Day 5: After The Storm

Was woken up by the sound of pouring rain hitting the rooftop of my house mercilessly.  First thought: There goes our plan for the island.  It was 6 am and even though we planned to leave the house at 7 am, I knew everyone would still be fast asleep with this kind of weather.  Felt the urge to crawl back in but had my mind set in writing letters to Callie, Izzy and Tiara, the last one before they left.  It was very important to me to get it done, a sort of mental satisfaction (in my head and in my heart) so that I knew I said everything I wanted to say and gave it my all.  So I texted everyone postponing wake up time and started pouring my heart out into three sheets of purple A4 paper--it reminded me of Lit essay days and I think I wrote fairly a lot.  It was different from the usual times because it was unfiltered.  I put pen to paper without too much initial thoughts of what I wanted to say.  It was also ironic because a few weeks back, I remember sitting in front of my laptop trying to come up with a draft for the letters but failing.  Ah, well, praise the Lord for inspiration that morning :]

Bev, Amber and Tiara came over for a full-fledged breakfast with the leftover food from yesterday's trip as well as my fruit-stocked house.  Glad to have so much laughter and life around the dining and kitchen area that morning.  I remember washing the dishes, glancing behind at that scene of all my friends chatting and laughing at each other's jokes and smiling--one of those priceless moments I wanted to freeze in time.  Never in a million years did I imagine this bridge between my KL and Sabah friends to ever occur, at least not this early on.  I remember telling a friend that it's like watching two separate movies (one when I am back in KL and one when I am home) merge into one and getting over the seemingly out of place characters making their way in an unfamiliar environment.  The only catch was that the characters have effortlessly assimilated so well into the whole setting that I have to pinch myself that it's happening.  I never would have thought that my KL friends would be laughing with my besties in MY HOUSE!  The more I go through these experiences, I realise my inclination to forming photographic memories in my head; I just close my eyes or stare at a distance and just dwell on that picture in my head a while before imprinting it into my mind.  Pretty weird, pretty cool perhaps but that's just me.  I guess I'm just sentimental like that or maybe I just think too much.

We parked at Suria Sabah shopping mall and walked to the Filipino Market so my friends could get their share of local snacks and souvenirs.  Good morning walk.  What we thought would take a short while ended up taking around 2 hours!  It was one of those unplanned occasions whereby you think you wouldn't be buying anything and you end up t-shirt and gift-hunting for family and friends.  But it was a good day spent, in my opinion.  I liked it.

By 1 pm, we made our way to Little Italy, a famous and authentic Italian restaurant which turned out to be even more worth the buck than I remembered.  My friends thoroughly enjoyed it (I think) although, they were a little bit on the full side. Heh. YOLO, right? :P  And I was pleasantly surprised by the old-time waiter who served my favourite Spaghetti Bolognese, saying that he remembered me and asked how my dad was doing--it amazed me yet again how much of this humble town was a part of me.  I grew up with Little Italy and my dad and I followed their transition from Damai to their present place in KK town.  Once, I remember ordering two rounds of spaghetti with my dad and we'd get into this giggly state of mischievous food adventures.  Such good memories I wouldn't have been able to relive as tangibly if it weren't for my friends.  Thanks guys :)  Note to self: Come with dad before leaving.

Hungry Folk

And then the dreaded ride back to my house for last-minute packing.  I knew it was coming and I wasn't visibly distraught but there was this heavy feeling inside me that just wouldn't go away.  Yes, I am extremely emotional and sentimental about these things, as much as I don't show it.  Was compelled to get a group photo in my house before they all left.  That's the least we could do.  Tried to get my kakak to be in the photo but she was a bit shy.  Ah, another time, I shall prevail.

And then off to the airport.  Love airports but like I said before, there is something about airports that get me emotionally; my heart beats a little faster and my memories of everything that has ever occurred in an airport flood back.  I think it is harder because I'm always reminded about my host family and the thought of not knowing when you'll actually see them again.  Also, the memory of bidding my parents farewell before the six months in the States and then the epic reunion after the six months in the airport as well.  With those thoughts in mind, it always makes me extra appreciative of the present moment, always treating goodbyes like it's the last time.  But as time has progressed, I've gotten better at it, not getting too invested in things like these--future moments you have no control over--and focus on things you do have control over--how you react to situations and decide to live your day.

The adventures this week has taught me a lot about how we can react to situations we get thrust into--pouring rain, murky mud puddles, saying goodbye.  It couldn't have come at a better time when I'm a month away from leaving home again.  Along with many past adventures, I've realised how deeply empathetic and invested I am in my relationships with people, especially in watching and listening to them, their stories--beautiful or broken.  I wouldn't consider myself as chatty or the most sociable person, but I get by and I don't think my occasional quietness or introversion is a deterrent to how much I love people.  Probably one of the areas I am still not sure-footed about as I figure out how I wish to live my life. But for now, here's to living in the moment and here's also to the Guy upstairs for gracing me with such beautiful souls. (:

I love you.

Sabah, Day 4: Road Trip!

I've always known that long car rides have always been my thing--the whole looking-out-the-window-while-listening-to-music kind of thing.  So, today was very enjoyable for me, even on the bumpy roads. :D

Woke up early again and followed my mom to the morning market near my house to get some cakes, char siew paus and dumplings for my friends for breakfast.  I think playing host throughout the week has really gotten me more involved in my own kitchen and microwave--haha.  Something I take for granted with my mom and kakak around but I don't think I did half bad working the microwave, serving the food and drinks, washing the plates and containers after, etc.  If it weren't for them coming over, I wouldn't have felt as independent as I did.  Especially since I didn't have the chance to do much around my own house for the past three years and especially so, since I'm leaving this coming month.  Makes me appreciate everything around the house even more. I think there were some firsts i.e. the most people in my house (especially the kitchen and dining area) than ever in my 19 years of living in the house.  I guess that's one of the things with a small family, you always know where everyone is every time of the day and it threw me off a bit when my friends came over coz someone was always doing something else.  I think my mom and dad realised the change as well.  Everyone was all over the place but of course, it wasn't necessarily a bad thing, in fact, I like the life my friends injected into my household.  It was just a different vibe which I enjoyed for a change.

I didn't drive but having my KL friends around also made me more aware of the roads around KK and Sabah.  Got my sense of direction working as we looked for the places we had to go as well as the shortest routes to places.  Made me appreciate how conveniently close all the places were in Sabah and relatively less traffic it had as opposed to bigger cities like KL.

First stop was the Maranjak Rungus Longhouse which we later found out was actually a lodge in which tourists could actually stay! Hm, perhaps it would be an interesting experience.  Next time. Maybe.

Also met a nice Rungus lady who had been selling her handmade scarves, keychains, boxes and jewellery for 10 years.  I realised I enjoyed the very human and historical aspect of the people in the longhouse too.  I asked her whether her children were doing the same thing and she said yes, she also told us that it took her around one to two days to finish one whole necklace.  And me being the sucker for people like this, I bought a scarf from her thinking it would also be nice to hang up some stuff from home in my US dorm.

Several winding roads later, we reached the epic Tip of Borneo at Tanjung Simpang Mengayau, Kudat and unloaded the basket loads of food we brought and gobbled them down before heading to the actual tip!

The view was gorgeous, the sea was authentically bluish green and it was the strongest wind I've ever experienced.  So strong that if you looked at the trees, they were all tilted to one side, like a slanted world. Hmm.  Not far off from how my world is, by any chance.

I'm telling you I felt like I could have flown away.  That was how strong it was.  And I'm talking nonstop wind.

Yes, we were literally holding hands to keep ourselves, for lack of a better word, grounded.

Then, we stopped by the beach to get a glimpse of the blue ocean and fooled around a bit more.

Found an old boat to sit on as I recharged with some quiet time away from humans.  Discovered that I needed it more than I thought I did.

This shot looks epic. Haha.  T'was unintentional, I promise.

Um, yea.  This probably was intentional.  Though, didn't get to straighten my legs coz the wind was always threatening to blow me off the tree trunk.

We were a bit groggy from dozing off on the van but were okay after getting down at Kampung Sumangkap, a community of gong makers.  We met this cool guy who memorised the sound of all the keys so that he could replicate a particular key every time he made a gong so that it would have the desired note--MIND BLOWN.  Maybe that's why Sabahans are generally more musically inclined.

Some say largest gong created

Ended the night with some Tuaran mee which everyone outrightly enjoyed and Bak Kut Teh which Tiara got addicted to its free refills. 

And we practically ran to the fountain at Perdana Park to catch the last musical fountain show and stayed until they annonced that they were closing the park. 

I wasn't very sure about everyone else but I was pretty wiped out at the end of everything.  The long hot shower was doubly amazing as I reminisced on the interesting conversations we had on the van ride home about our future, psychology, physiotherapy, appendicitis and pain among other things. Hah.

Coz my friends are awesome like that. (:

Sabah, Day 3: Mosquitos, Coconuts & Burgers

Started off the day with some Dim Sum at Foo Phing which everybody loved, t'was pretty cheap too--RM8.50 per person.  We hit the road to Jambatan Tamparuli, the famous hanging bridge which someone enjoyed swaying so vigorously as we made our way across.  

It was nice to check out the local tamu, bought some nice kuih and some of them got their hands on some cheap bags and wallets.  The hawkers were extremely friendly.

The hot sun made it perfect timing for coconut pudding!!! I loved it and I already predicted that my friend would love it just as much.  Just heavenly.  Although, it was here that our relationship with mosquitos officially began.  I don't know what it is but I also discovered that mosquitos in Sabah seemed to have built this strong resistance because I was so sure I saw one flying right across mid-spray of mosquito repellent.  The horror of resistant mosquitos was not something I liked thinking about.

Tiara and Ivy in their best mosquito-swatting poses

Next stop, we found the Monsopiad Cultural Village in time and were given a tour of the whole area from local wine-making, stilt-walking, blow darting, starting fire out of bamboo to some history on the warrior, Monsopiad.  I decided to try the local wine (Li Hing, Talak and Sikat) so I could at least explain to people asking what it tasted like.  Honestly, my first thoughts were that Li Hing tasted like 100 Plus, Talak like water and Sikat was a bitter version of it.  True enough, we found out that Talak and Sikat were actually diluted in water because the real thing had 45% alcohol in it (gulp).  And Li Hing only had 5% alcohol, yet it tasted pretty strong. Gee, wonder what that says about alcohol.

Tiara: The only reason why I'm still standing is coz you're holding me.

Sago worm (butod) = squishy worm with very strong muscles. Cute guys.

When you think about it, I think we were pretty lucky because it only started raining at our last stop of the tour--couldn't have been any more perfect timing as we took shelter in the souvenir shop.  The cultural performance had the Sumazau Dance, Sazau Dance, Angklang and Magunatip Dance.  It made me really happy when almost all my friends went up to try the dance out when the dancers invited us, even those who were rather shy or those you wouldn't think would've said yes.  I think sometimes when you bring people out of their familiar settings, it pushes them to try and do things that they wouldn't normally do.  It was nice, really. (:

At least it looked like I knew what I was doing.

We also met a group of aunties from Penang who were very enthusiastic during the dance performances and it was such a coincidence (if you want to call it that) for us to meet them again in Sutera Harbour Resort!  It was crazy that of all the four hotels that Sutera Harbour had, they chose the same one we did and of all the locations overlooking the sea, they were at the same one we were at--I just love how God and his magic interweaves all these things together.

We took a trip to Tanjung Aru Beach again in hopes of catching the sunset but the clouds didn't seem to want to budge.  But we made the most of it nonetheless coz that's what we do.

Oh, Callie :)

Couldn't help but play some music.

Decided to bring them to this Burger Bakar place near my house which I never tried before but thanks to Bev and Amber, I knew where it was.  Some hearty food is all it takes.

Spotted one feebly twinkling star in the night sky. Perfect way to end the night.