I guess I haven't been here in a while. This semester I have learnt a lot and I have yet to figure myself out to retell the story, so, that will be another post. This Christmas is my first away from home but I feel I have learnt more than I have any other year. And maybe perhaps because my perspective has changed...again...and as it always will.
Honestly, I don't really feel like writing right now (or proofreading either. heh). I think I'm in one of those weird bubbles that I'm not sure which way of communication is best--speech, writing, art, dance, what have you. (My thoughts tend to consume me. And that is an understatement.) I just thought I'd scribble a post about a thought I want to hold onto before it goes away. Sometimes, I feel like we take this world for granted. Every day, I go on Facebook and I see statuses talking about what their day is going to be like, photos of them celebrating with friends and basically, joyful moments. There is nothing profoundly wrong about it; I do it. But sometimes, when I think about it some more, I think of all the people that don't have that privilege. I think of all the things we post on Facebook--our rants, the music videos or casual banter with friends--and I think of how incredibly small the weight of all these things compare to all the people out there who I see sitting on the streets, maybe wondering if today would be a good day and they'd get $5 to get dinner. It freaks me out. And it tears me up. But the thing is, I don't want to feel pity for them. Because when I think about it, if I were them, I wouldn't want people to just pity me or look down on where I'm at--everyone has a story, a past and different pebbles and thorns we've unearthed along the way. I feel more compelled to respect them. I also want to help them with as much dignity and integrity.
The stark contrast and disparity I see in society is so huge. It is so huge that I feel so bad sometimes that I just look up and ask "Why?" So many questions. Why do I get this and he doesn't? Why do I not have all the money in the world and all the time to go out and help them? Why doesn't everyone feel the same way? Why do I take things for granted? Why do I get so lazy to do such simple things and then feel so bad afterwards knowing that other people have it much harder?
Why does my mind have to think of all these complicated webs of thoughts? Why can't I just be like what so many people seem to be like--normal and not fussing and thinking and worrying about every single thing including the guys busking on every subway I go to, on every hand stretched forward stopping my stride mid step.
People say empathy is good. Thinking about others is good. But
I don't know.
What good is empathy if you feel horrible after that because you are incapable of doing everything you wish you could for the person? And knowing that you can't help everyone.
Sigh. Don't worry. I have a good optimistic conclusion to calm myself down but I just don't feel like writing about that right now. Let me swim in these thoughts a little longer.
Okay, blessed Christmas. I still think it is a Blessed one. :] Hah. That sounds optimistic. And I haven't even gotten to the "optimistic conclusion". Ah well, another day perhaps. :)
