That is also why in my latest endeavour of
university applications, I have made some decisions I didn't think my
17-year-old self would have made. I am still a bit hesitant on what I
have grown to truly believe in but it is something about following my heart on
this and keeping the faith in the man upstairs that has me taking a leap of faith on how I want
to live the next chapter of my life with what I have and love at where I am at.
Whether it is something He wills for me, for lack of better words, only
God knows.
I have always looked up to prestigious
institutions like Harvard and Cambridge. I remember being in high school
and secretly marking them as my dream schools. It is ironic how I am
writing this as my 19-year-old self and I have decided not to apply to either
of them. Don't get me wrong, I think they
are marvellous educational institutions and have years of prowess to
account for the quality of their academics. But whether their entire
educational experiences are the definitions of what I want the next four years
of my life to be is what I have been battling with in my mind. And then I
started questioning myself: If the name of universities and their perceived idolisation
in society were stripped away, would I still want to go there? Are my
decisions just based on rankings, fame and what people will think of me? How can we define what makes a
university better than another just by referring to a "list" when
half the things that make up a college experience comes from incalculable and
intangible things like people you meet, the values of the students you work
with, the environment you want to live in, the conversations you have with
professors, how interested and concerned they are towards you as a person
rather than a number, the liberty to grow outside of the
classroom and ultimately, what
you yourself take from whatever life throws at you?
Honestly, I felt that given my upbringing,
I was ready for a change. I guess my experiences have shifted the importance
I put on things-magnifying my dislike on certain habits of society and being
more tolerant towards others. But it was the cut throat kiasu-ism to be
better than everyone else even if it jeopardised their integrity and honesty prevalent in high school that has been getting to me. I learnt a lot about how status and prestige , in general, can go a long way to distorting the gist of what matters. I fell in love
with the stories of the fascinating people I've met in the most unsuspecting places, the intimate setting of
a classroom I had at HELP and the overriding importance of integrity and who
you are as a person preceding the grade on your report card. So, with all
of these lessons in hand, I felt that I really wanted to do justice to the
other facets of my life that have not been given as much attention to. I relished
what I have learned in the classroom and look forward to learning so much more
and gaining even more knowledge about the subjects that interest me.
Nonetheless, I find myself presently aversed to extremely competitive
environments which are translated in several top universities. I think it is
understandable that they are occupied by very ambitious students who have very
specific goals and determined characters to get to where they want to be and I
respect and look up to them. In fact, I have had some experience with
these people throughout my life and I am grateful because they have taught me
many things. But this is also why I am thirsting for change.
Healthy competition is essential but anything more than that seems
unnecessary at the moment. It saddens me that very few people still fail
to understand this. I feel like I'm ready to meet different kinds of
people and be more exposed to peers with varying mindsets, share stories with
people, agree, disagree and learn from them. I tried to consider that when choosing the colleges that I thought suited my aspirations.
You know that feeling when you've spent so
much time in one place and you just feel like you want a change in scenery? It's
not that you particularly hate the place you're at, in fact, you love it but
it's just that desire for change. And I've always liked the idea of breaking
down walls and exploring new territory-stepping outside of my comfort zone even
if I'm scared to my wit's end. Because that
is the only way you will truly learn and live to the fullest, in my
opinion. I know I've said I've changed in terms of mentality in some ways
but I think deep down, the core principle I have lived by has never changed. I remember
writing in my first post that I did all the things I did because I didn't want
to look back on it and say "I wish I could have done that." It
is a conscious decision which I personally wish to make because, as I said two years ago when
I first started blogging, I
can't see any other way to do justice to my life and to what I love to do if I
didn't make these decisions.
Maybe some may think of this subject as a
trivial thing that I am blowing out of proportion but to me, it is not.
These are just rantings of my heart and mind because this is just how
important it is to me. I guess education has just been something dear to
me. My passion. Writing about it just allows me to unscrew the lid to the
bottle of thoughts that have been swirling in my head-sleepless nights and
thinking days worth having.
I know it's a pretty hard decision and I
think people can't fully understand all of it unless they are in my shoes.
I meet people who, understandably at times, instantly associate me with
certain predispositions, their foreheads wrinkle wondering why I name certain
less-known or smaller schools I'm applying to and I find it hard for me to explain to
them why I have made every decision I've made. Sometimes, what I find
makes me happy can't be fully tangibly expressed. Coupled with all of
this are the insecurities and fear of rejection by people, let alone,
universities which serves as a story for another day.
I guess what I'm saying is that I realise
that I have a long way to go. A long way of more mistakes to make and I
am still learning from the challenges I have encountered including the ones I am still trying to
figure out how to face but it
is all in good spirit. :) Days when I am down are
inevitable but as my conscience tells me: just
keep on going, have a little faith and let the Big Guy handle the rest.
I guess I also kind of summed up 2012 and
started the engines for 2013. In fact, the later half of where I will be
in 2013 is unknown for now. It's the scariest feeling I've had. But
I guess...it's okay. Somehow, just maybe,
everything's going to turn out as it should in time.
Happy 2013 everyone!
Keeping the faith,
Andrea (:
