I think sometimes we wonder who we really are as opposed to who or what people make us out to be. Sometimes I wonder why we do the very things we do. Is it out of personal intention or are we driven by other things-onlookers telling us that this is what we should be doing, the determination to pull through for a greater goal, the belief that there is something after this phase we are experiencing that is worth it? And sometimes when I think of that, I wonder, is it really worth it? Good students claim that we shouldn't watch too much television but sit in front of the study table 8 hours a day to force ourselves to finish 4 sets of past year papers, reprimand ourselves if our minds stray away to the internet looking up random stuff instead of burying our heads in books-are all of these "sacrifices" worth sacrificing? Are our child-like creative and spontaneous minds worth suppressing?
Presently, I feel myself disagreeing.
And there are a million and one perspectives to look at it I guess. Sometimes, I see friends talk about getting their game face on, vowing to do nothing but study all day for exams or when we beat ourselves up for going out for dinner or taking a day off to be with friends instead of adding in those extra hours into exam preparations. And oddly enough, I'm at a point in my life in which, as much as I try, I fail to see the bad in all the alternatives I just mentioned. Two years ago, I perceived a productive day to be a day when I succeeded in not moving from my chair for 5 hours finishing up two chapters of Physics. At present, I still do feel happy with accomplishments of finishing homework and getting assignments done. In fact, very happy.
But...this amazing path I have taken since graduation has thrust me to the other end of the spectrum-things in life I didn't have much exposure to. SPM completion left me feeling empty and free as if I was invincible because honestly, it felt like there was nothing holding me back any more. Yes, all that I've done were things I did have a heart to do at the time and for that, I wouldn't have changed a thing. But the abundance of what people, nature and everything I have encountered have taught me since high school has been no less overwhelming to say the least.
Now, having gotten back into the rhythm of college, I guess I'm a bit confused. Confused because the way I see the world has altered. But it soon came to my realisation that the world hasn't altered with it. I have found myself more...unpredictable than before, or at least more willing to be unpredictable, less self-restraining to what I really want to do. I find myself choosing to go out for dinner rather than staying cooped up in a room with my books, feeling a day out with my best friends as more productive than another day studying and ultimately, I find myself secretly happier at the end of these things that I sometimes scare myself, thriving at random moments of camping out in my kitchen to read my Biology notes to get out of my academically-scented room or having this song stuck in my head in the middle of Math and my mind just refusing to continue until I listen to it. I know, beyond random but it is this bout of random-ness in myself that I have been trying to deal with in the past two years and secretly...it has left me so happy; happier than I remember I've ever been. Is this just my mind acting up a week before exams? I don't know.
But what I do know is of how I cannot really sit still now as I could before. It's like I have this mindset that I have been missing SO MUCH. Even though I have done a considerable amount of things in high school, I still am in disbelief when I think about all the amazing opportunities that I have yet to take, the moments that truly matter with the people I love, things I love doing aside from school and I find myself drifting away from not the only things I've known but the very things I have spent the majority of my life with and haven't really shared too much of my time away from-my studies. And I feel it really hard to find a comfortable position in this situation. On one hand is my ever-present love for my studies but on the other, I feel that all the other things in my life are so undervalued and the picture I see right now just doesn't seem right. I may be wrong on this. I am actually waiting for that aha moment when I can sigh a relief and say "Oh, now it all makes sense." But right now, it's more like all my experiences have taught me that the perceptions and generalisations of majority do not matter. It is about your own desires, passions and love and how you choose your life. But it is difficult to live by that when we humans are naturally in educational, social and psychological systems that don't allow us all that freedom. I am not a very vocal person and I am not really one to rebel too much or go against people-I prefer tolerance and reaching a collective decision. But for once, I feel my life and the choices I make are the anomaly in that equation. At present, I feel this flame to just outright live the way my experiences have taught me to live and if I do make mistakes, let it be hurdles I learn from and can say I have faced without backing down in spite of fear.
Here's what I learnt so far: it is about balance, more than anything. The ability to strike some equal tension between the ropes of academic study and ropes of time spent with people, art, food, culture, movies and all their stories because at the end of the day, all of them are part of what I call true education. If I ever thought learning only happened in a classroom in front of a textbook, I was wrong. But in the process, I've realised that everything is easier said than done. And I am still learning.
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