A lot has happened.

A lot has happened. 

And you realise a whole lot MORE has happened when you look at your life in retrospect, in which part of it is narrated in a series of blog posts.  I started this post not knowing how to begin and not knowing how to end mainly due to the fact that I have so much to say and I have no idea how to say it.

2013. These past few months have been filled with me trying to rediscover my voice, what I believed in and who I was.  And not being afraid to show that to the world. Even if it meant being vulnerable.

2013 has also been a year of important decisions in my life.  I believe that my perspective on so many things especially what my goals are in life have evolved.  I admit that I have dived into many things, fallen in love with some, learnt the hard way in others, found myself slipping away from God now and again and just struggling to find that balance on the tight rope I was walking on.

2013 is the year that I realise, after reflecting on all these harrowing and beautiful experiences in the past two years after high school, that there is no such thing as never losing balance; that it is okay to fall.  What matters is that you keep on getting back up, keep on having that sheer courage to keep on giving your whole heart in what you are doing and have faith in the Man upstairs that everything's going to be alright.  It is so difficult to live this out, let me tell you, but it is a work in progress and I have faith that things will fall into place in time. (:

I also learnt more about myself - my strengths and my weaknesses.  I believe it was a puzzle that I did not complete until very recently.  A few weeks ago, I made a long hard-thought decision to drop a subject - History.  It takes great pain for me to even write about this but I feel that it must be done.  Writing has always been the means I felt best at expressing my feelings which came so naturally to me as opposed to talking.  What I set out to achieve when I first took up the subject was to learn, to grow not only from the textbook but from my peers.  And having endured 3 crazy semesters of cross-eyed reading, tireless presentations and close-to-death exams, I can tell you that what I have learned from my History classmates and the engaging discussions in the classroom have been priceless.  It has been one of the most enriching experiences I have ever had in my 19 years of academic life and I would never change that.  I had achieved what I set out for and at that point, I felt that I was no longer doing it because I loved it but because I was trying to get this grade and finish that assignment.  What it came down to was between me pushing myself beyond what was mentally and physically healthy for me and my happiness.  It came to a point when I was just drained, tired and not fully recovered from the stress and pressure that had fallen upon me from the last semester.  It came to the point that I was no longer pushing myself because I knew I could give more but I was pushing myself because I was afraid of letting people down, of letting myself down and of failure.  Long story short, I was given a choice.  And this was what I chose: 

To have the courage to say no.  The courage to face the truth and choose my happiness over losing myself to the world and its judgement.  The courage and wisdom to see that when you lose your balance on the tight rope, you get back up and keep on going.  And I truly believe that I have never stopped doing that. 

2013 is also the year I decide which direction I want the next four years of my life to take.  It basically came down to Hampshire College in the US, University of British Columbia in Canada, Durham University in England or University of Edinburgh in Scotland.  All of them beautiful places and I thank the Lord every day for His grace in allowing me all of this.  With this, however, challenged my principles yet again.  It made me think of the name of the university, the job prospects afterwards, people's reactions to my choice and the list continues.  I think, secretly, I knew what I wanted. My heart knew.  But I guess it was my fear that sent me into many long nights of thinking.  Perhaps to some the list seems so clear cut - "Just pick the most prestigious/famous university lah! Why so hard want to think?"  Yes, I understand that a more acclaimed university to the local community would help me get a job, it would look good in my CV, it would carry oohs and aahs as I tell people where I was going.

But

there was something about that whole idea that bugged me. All this while I have always believed in standing up for true education, in challenging what the majority says is "right", getting arts and science equally weighted, actually giving my heart back to society and stalwartly believing that a letter grade on a sheet of paper does not define who you are as a person.  Reflecting on all that I have been through made it even clearer to me that this is who I am and this is what I stood for.  And I felt there was a college that embodied this.

When I asked myself what I wanted for the next stage of my life, I found myself wanting to take the road less travelled by (again); to seek learning beyond the classroom over studying for exams, to do things out of love instead of obligation, to fully explore how far my love for art can take me and to surround myself with people who shared this belief.  It reminded me of the first post I did upon completion of high school and I believe my dream has not changed.  My perspectives may have shifted and my self coarsened but my vision remains: To be able to look back on my life and truly say that I have lived it to the fullest; I have made the most of what was laid before me because I had the courage to stand up for what I believed in. 

To be able to look back and proudly say, I did not regret a thing.

There are times I believe our dreams clash with the practicality of life being more than just "what makes you happy."  But I thank the Big Guy for making things somehow fall into place.  I can still reasonably say that my dreams and the reality of the world can still find some balance.  I was blessed enough to get a scholarship from the college itself which would be of immense help.  Still figuring out the entire financial issue but I have faith that my family can pull through this, somehow, some way.

*exhale* Wow, here I am scrolling up and wondering how in the world all of these words came out.  It definitely does not cover everything in my head but I think I'm happy with it.  I have yet another decision among many more to come that I am genuinely happy and extremely ecstatic about.  And I have said what I wanted to say, the entirety of which are my own thoughts.

I still do have a lot to tell about this coming college experience but I think I shall leave that for another day.  I shall leave you with the video that first intrigued, enticed and inspired me about this place:

Hampshire College. (:

I don't know what tomorrow holds nor do I know exactly what will happen from here.  But what I do know is that I am not alone.  The worries playing in my head are plenty but having faith that things will turn out according to His will is the best I can do.  It is enough for me. Till then.

Your curious traveller,

Andrea (: